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Mysteries  of  the  White  House. 


J.     F.     FEEKS,     PUBLISHER, 

No.    26    ANN    STEEET,    N.  Y. 


T.s'tt. '.a-,  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  In  the  year  1'GI.  by 
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ABRAHAM 


TO    THE    READER. 

Immortal  Truth !  thy  power  ess-ay 
To  lash  the  morals  of  the  day, 
And  should  the  Muse's  efforts  claim 
Small  honor  for  an  humble  name, 
Her  aim  is  gained,  by  thee  directed,, 
If  but  one  rascal  be  detected. 

Great  knaves  deserve  thy  lash  the  most,. 
Because  they  sin  at  greatest  cost, 
And  every  sin  thou  dost  forgive, 
Will  in  a  hundred,  meaner  live, 
Till  multitudes  will  boldly  ape 
The  greater  one,  should  he  escape; 

Man  is  my  theme,  yet  when  I  choose 
A  playful  measure  for  my  Muse, 
Forget  not,  Header,  I  design 
To  make  the  graver  censure  thine  ; 
Forget  not,  as  I  paint  for  you 
Eevolting  scenes  as  droll  as  true, 
I  claim  this  judgment  still  for  them, 
That,  tho'  you  smile,  you  do  condemn* 


ABRAHAM 

Chapter    I. 

THE    GREAT    MAX  S    FRIEND. 

One  stormy  night  in  chill  November, 

As  cold  a  night  as  folks  remember, 

'Twas  ten  o'clock  and  every  street 

Was  cold  and  damp  with  rain  and  sleet 

Old  chimneys  rocked  and  tiles  were  cast 

At  mercy  of  the  fitful  blast ; 

And  houses  shook  and  shutters  slammed, 

And  stray  curs  yelpt  andhackmen  damned  ; 

And  tavern  signs  were  heard  to  creak 

As  if  their  very  hearts  would  break, 

And  leafless  trees  swayed  to  and  fro 

As  if  they'd  nothing  else  to  do. 

olaxa  i,:ovi  tiiu  dui'jGiBss,  uci  p,  profound^ 

O'er  roof  and  dome  and  all  around, 

And  froze  the  rain,  and  moaned  the  blast 

Like  gibbering  spirits  as  it  passed. 

Each  straggler  hugged  his  friendly  cloak, 

As  home  his  lonely  way  he  took, 

"While  all  the  smiles  which  blessed  his  home 

Seem'd  brighter  'mid  the  deep'ning  gloom  ; 

And  oft  he  started  as  he  passed, 

At  shadows  which  the  street  lamp  oast ; — 

The  sleeping  watchman  snug  and  tight 

Forgot  to  hail  the  passing  night ; 

And  wind  and  rain  and  driving  sleet 

Soon  held  possession  of  the  street. 

"Within  bis  arm-chair,  snug  and  warm, 
IB  ram,  dozing  sat,  nor  heard  the  storm, 
Or,  if  he  heard,  he  thought,  no  doubt, 
How  very  cold  it  must  be,  out. 
The  warm  full  bed  and  cozy  curtain 
Made  pleasant  rest  and  slumber  certain  ; 
And  the  warm  arm  chair,  as  you  '11  suppose, 
Seemed  almost  courting  him  to  doze. 
Within  the  broad  hearth  where  he  gazed, 


AFMCANUS  I. 

A  gladsome  fire  oracked  and  blazed, 

And  rose  and  iell  with,  cheering  sound, 

Dispensing  light  and  heat  around. 

The  clothes  he  wore  and  all  his  pride, 

"Were  both  together  laid  aside, 

And  in  his  night  gown,  at  his  ease, 

He  felt  his  comfort  much  increase  ; 

Small  care  had  he  for  rain  or  snows  ; 

His  Excellency  viewed  his  toes, 

And  took  his  punch,  as  grateful  heat 

Came  running  through  his  lanky  feet. 

Brrtin  warmed  his  toes  and  sipped  his  liquor, 

Until  his  thoughts  and  tongue  grew  thicker  ; 

Nor  could  he  think,  small  brains  ho  boasted, 

Whether  his  feet  wore  warmed  or  roasted. 

Thus  in  his  mind  confusion  grew 

Until  he  neither  thought  nor  know  ; 

Yet,  tho'  he  slept,  his  master  mind, 

(These  common  folks  are  always  blind) 

Beheld  what  passed.     "  What's  that  I  see  ? 

The  very  andiron  bows  to  me  ! " 

And  so  it  was  ;  the  andiron  gre  vy 

Beneath  his  Excellency's  view, 

And  as  it  grew  he  could  but  note 

Its  brass  arms  stuck  beneath  its  coat ; 

lie  wondered  if  'twould  next  have  wings, 

For  rum  and  dreams  can  do  strange  things. 

"  Great  God  !"  quoth  Bram,  "  what  do  I  see  ? 

The  very  andiron  bows  to  me !" 

"Yes,  Bram,"  quoth  it,  "I  bow  ;  you'll  find 

A  fellow  feeling  makes  us  kind. 

I  am  the  Devil,  and  I  feel 

Of  all  the  rogues  who  wrong,  who  steal, 

Who  murder,  intrigue,  violate, 

I  love  the  rogue  who  rules  a  State, 

Because,  when  he  does  wrong  or  says  it, 

A  thousand  knaves  and  fools  must  praise  it, 

And  all  the  efforts  preachers  make 

Will  not  avail,  'tis  bound  to  take  ; 

I  lovo  you,  Bram,  your  high  position 


6  '  ABKAHAM 

Gives  hope  to  knaves  of  mean  condition, 

When  gazing  on  your  strange  success, 

They  think  their  own  fate  can't  be  less 

Make  't  easy  men  should  find  a  flaw 

In  codes  of  morals  and  of  law  ; 

And  on  their  wits  in  firm  reliance, 

Set  all  of  virtue  at  defiance  ; 

They  think  that  he  who  like  yourself, 

Concentres  all  and  all  in  self, 

Will  find  that  fate  and  luck  conspire, 

Both,  that  the  knave  may  rise  the  higher, 

Both,  that  a  strange  success  in  life, 

May  be  of  knave,  fool,  fortune,  rife  ; 

That  Justice,  being  blind,  must  lag  ; 

That  Luck 's  by  far  the  fastest  nag, 

And  on  her  back  in  hope  they  '11  vault, 

To  carry  Fortune  by  assault. 

This  serves  my  ends.     It  proves  when  past, 

Knave,  fool,  and  fortune,  all  won't  last, 

And  while  it  hides  the  sure  defeat, 

Mine  is  the  profit  and  the  cheat ; 

I've  ruled  the  world  and  still  must  rule 

As  long  as  there's  a  knave  and  fool." 

"Stop,  stop,"  cried  guilty  Bram,  "suppose 
Instead  of  jingling  versa  we  chat  in  jjrose." 

"  Agreed"  said  Satan,  '  though  its  my  conviction 
You  '11  find  the  prose  as  difficult  to  face  as  fiction." 

"  Well,  tlie  fact  is,"  said  Abraham,  handing  old 
Nick  a  chair  and  pushing  the  decanter  towards  him, 
"  it  comes  more  natural.  I  can  defend  myself  a  good 
deal  easier  ;  your  word  to  the  contrary  notwithstand- 
ing.    This  reminds  me  of  a  western  story." 

"  Ah,"  said  Satan,  pouring  himself  out  a  pretty  stiff 
horn  and  gazing  at  the  fire  through  its  amber  trans- 
parency with  the  air  of  a  connoisseur,  "  a  joke  ?" 

"  Yes,  what  I  should  call  a  d n  good  joke,  for  it 

served  my  purpose  elegantly." 


AFRICANUS  I.  7 

11  Don't  swear  ;"  interrupted  Nick,  "  forget  your  old 
habits  for  once,  and  behave  yourself  while  in  the 
presence  of  a  gentleman  as  a  gentleman." 

"  'Twas  a  big  thing  on  Douglas,  though ;  I  assure 
you,"  continued  Abe. 

"Douglas,  Douglas,"  said  the  Devil  reflectively, 
41  don't  know  him." 

"What!  not  the  Little  Giant  of  the  West?  I 
thought  he  had  gone  to you,  long  ago." 

" '  Mistake,  my  dear  boy ;  he  must  have  gone  the 
other  way,  for  I  havn't  seen  him  in  our  direction." 

"  Well,  well,"  said  Abraham,  "  no  matter.  Here's 
the  story  :  During  the  electioneering  campaign  I  had 
-with  Douglas  in  Illinois,  we  agreed  to  debate  our  dif- 
ferences in  public.  On  the  occasion  of  the  first 
debate  which  took  place  at  Oitowa,  the  Judge  asked 
me  a  number  of  questions  which  he  had  wrritten  down 
on  a  piece  of  paper.  Among  them  were  the  follow* 
ing : 

[Q.  2.]  I  desire  Lincoln  to  answer  whether  he 
stands  judged  to-day  as  he  did  in  1854  against  the 
admission  of  any  more  slave  States  into  the  Union, 
oven  if  the  people  want  them  ? 

[Q.  3.]  I  want  to  know  whether  Lincoln  stands 
pledged  against  the  admission  of  a  new  State  into  the 
Union,  with  such  a  Constitution  as  the  people  of  that 
State  may  see  lit  to  make  ? 

[Q.  4]  I  want  to  know  wThether  he  stands  to-day 
pledged  to  the  abolition  of  slavery  in  the  District  of 
Columbia  ?" 

"  Pretty  good  for  the  Judge,"  cried  Satan,  polishing 
off  the  end  of  his  tail  with  his  pocket-handkerchief- 
"I  don't  see  how  you  managed  to  get  round  them." 


8  AB1UHAM 

"Easy  enough,  my  boy,"  says  Abraham,  tipping 
Lis  friend  the  wink,  "I  didn't  answer  them  at  all!" 

"  Then  he  defeated  yon  in  the  debate  ?" 

"Not  at  all.  I  promised  to  answer  them  at  the  next 
debate  at  Freeport." 

u  Ha  !  ha !  very  good,"  cried  Satan,  "  promises  are 
an  easy  means  to  appease.  Yon  promised  to  end  the 
war  in  ninety  days  for  instance.  The  ivalls  of  my 
aiode  are  covered  with  them.  But  how  did  you  manage 
the  Judge  at  Freeport  ?" 

**  You  shall  hear,"  said  Abe,  exultingly.  "  When 
I  appeared  on  the  stand  I  had  my  answers  all 
ready  in  writing.     They  were  as  follows  : 

[Ans.  2.]  I  do  not  now,  nor  ever  did,  stand  pledged 
against  the  admission  of  any  more  slave  States  into 
the  Union. 

[Ans.  3.]  I  do  not  stand  pledged  against  the  ad- 
mission of  a  new  State  into  the  Union,  with  such  a 
Constitution  as  the  people  of  that  State  may  see  fit 
to  mate. 

[Ans.  4.]  I  do  not  stand  to-day  pledged  to  the 
abolition  of  slavery  in  the  District  of  Columbia." 

Bram  was  silent.  The  Devil  twitched  nervously  on 
Lis  chair,  turning  over  the  blade  of  his  tail  with  a 
troubled  air,  as  though  by  so  doing  he  hoped  to  find 
the  point, 

**  I  confess,"  said  Nick,  ri  I  don't  see  the  point  /" 

"Plain  enough;"  said  Bram,  putting  his  arms 
round  his  friend's  neck  and  speaking  in  a  tone  of  ex- 
ultation. "  I  said,  *  my  friends,  the  Judge  shall  bo 
answered  strictly  in  accordance  with  the  interrogatories 
Le  Las  put  to  me.  1  do  not  stand  pledged  to  any- 
tidng f "* 


*£ec  Debate  at  Frccp  >rt ,  Illinois. 


AFKICANUS  I.  9 

"Bully for  yon,"  criod  Satan,  enraptured,  "you  are 
the  smartest  pupil  I  ever  had!  I  am  afraid  people 
will  find  you  out  after  a  while,  though." 

"Devil  a  fear,  Old  Boy.  As  long  as  I'm  called 
'  Honest  Old  Abe,'  the  people  will  swallow  anything. 
There  's  nothing  like  having  an  honest  name.  It  is  a 
cloak  for  everything" 

"  True  ;"  said  Beelzebub.  He  forbore  to  say  any 
more.  His  mind  was  filled  with  uneasy  suspicions. 
What  if  the  cute  Bram  should  slip  out  of  his  bargain 
with  him  ?  "  True,''  he  continued,  rolling  this  idea 
over  in  his  mind ;  "  if  I  hadn't  tacked  this  name  to 
you,  you  would  have  been  nowhere  to-day.  It  gave 
confidence,  and  you  've  profited  well  by  it.  But  how 
about  our  arrangement.  You  don't  expect  to  argue 
me  out  of  that,  do  you  ?'.' 

"  Come,  come,  brother,"  said  Bram  with  an  affected 
air  of  honest  indignation.  "You  don't  suspect  my 
intentions  do  you?" 

"  Hell  is  paved  with  them,"  said  the  Father  of  Lies, 
sententiously.  "  I  want  something  more  palpable 
than  your  assurances,  Abe.  Suppose  we  draw  up  a 
little  memorandum  of  our  agreement  ?" 

So  saying,  he  whipped  out  a  little  scroll  of  parch- 
ment, and  tapping  a  hole  in  Bram's  arm  before  he 
was  sufficiently  aware  of  his  intention  to  prevent  it» 
used  his  blood  for  ink.  Then  scribbling  furiously  for 
a  few  minutes,  he  covered  the  scroll  with  fine  writing, 
and  read  the  contract  to  his  confrere : 

"  *  I  hereby  pledge  to  elevate  Abraham  Lincoln  to  a 
life  Presidency  of  the  United  States  of  America '  * 

"Stop,  stop!"  cried  Bram,  "you  promised  a  Mon- 
archy, or  at  least  a  First  Consulship." 


10  ABBAHA3I 

'"Fool !"  said  tho  Devil.  u  Don't  jou  perceive  that 
if  you  call  yourself  a  King  or  First  Consul,  the  whole 
people  will  rise  upon  you?1' 

^'Let  them  rise,"  said  Brain,  "  I  have  my  army. 
I3very  officer  has  been  selected  and  appointed  with 
thai  view.  They  are  all  men  who  believe  the  govern- 
ment needs  to  be  strengthened." 

*l  Your  army  wouldn't  be  worth  a  straw  if  you  pro- 
ceed so  rudely.  There  are  democrats  enough  in  the 
country  to  eat  up  your  army." 

".But  they're  not  organized,"  urged  Bram,  "  and 
That's  more,  I  don't  intend  to  let  them  organize." 

41  Yeij  strongly  put,  brother ;  but  still  there's  noth- 
ing like  doing  things  smoothly.  My  word  for  it,  tho 
easiest  way  is  the  best.  You  owe  all  your  present 
success  to  four  things.  First,  My  nomination.  Sec- 
tondi,  Your  sobriquet  of  '  Honest.'  Third,  Those 
weak  points  of  the  Constitution  which  a  little  manage- 
ment converted  into  flaws,  and  a  littlo  stretching 
widened  into  fissures  wride  enough  to  drive  a  train  of 
cars  through.  *  Military  necessity '  did  the  rest* 
Fourth,  Doing  things  quietly.  All  these  things  corn- 
ibiucd  have  given  you  what  I  promised  you  in  our  first 
con tract,  power.  In  return  you  brought  on  a  war 
which  has  made,  taking  both  belligerents  together, 
.something  like  a  million  of  victims. 

"And   out  of    that  million,"   chuckled  Abe,   "of 
'course,^1*2  soaped  a  plentiful  harvest." 

"Not  so,  Bram.  I  never  was  more  deceived  in  my 
life.  I  got  my  share  ;  but  the  majority  of  them  wcro 
poor  ignorant  fools,  infused  with  a  false  patriotism. 
I  did  well  with  the  Abolitionists,  and  the  men  who 
accepted  bounties ;  but  the  former  were  very  scarce 


APBICANUS  I.  11 

and  the  latter  were  hardly  worth  picking  up.  But  to 
our  contract.  If  you  're  elected  for  another  term,  you 
can  easify  get  a  law  passed  declaring  the  country  in  a 
state  of  permanent  insurrection,  and  demanding  moro 
power  to  put  it  down.  The  first  thing  will  be,  a  lay/ 
to  make  the  Presidency  perpetual  while  the  war  lasts  f 
the  next,  another  making  it  perpetual  during  your 
life.  Thus  you  will  have  got  over  the  hardest  part  of 
it.  The  rest  is  easy  enough.  You  can  then  have  it 
entailed  on  your  posterity,  and  change  the  title  when- 
ever you  please.  I  should  advise  you  to  stick  to  that 
of  President,  though.  There's  nothing  like  a  mild 
name.     To  continue  : 

'I  hereby  pledge  to  elevate  Abraham  Lincoln  to  a 
life  Presidency  of  the  United  States  of  America,  and 
to  stand  by  him  and  assist  him  to  subvert  the  liber- 
ties of  the  American  people  and  debauch  their  civic 
aspirations ;  to  impose  upon  them  in  every  imagina- 
ble form  of  low  cunning,  and  cheat  them  with  words 
of  double  meaning  and  with  false  promises,  until  by 
these,  and  kindred  means,  that  end  is  ace  omplished* 
and  his  dynasty  firmly  established.'  " 

While  Satan  was  writing  the  contract,  Bram  held 
out  his  arm  very  patiently  by  way  of  inkstand ;  but 
now  he  withdrew  it  hastily,  and  looking  at  his  watch, 
exclaimed : 

"  x\ll  right,  my  boy,  I  '11  sign  that,  and  then  you'll 
please  to  consider  this  interview  at  an  end,  for  soma 
of  my  generals  have  been  advancing  too  quickly,  and 
if  I  don't  relieve  them  of  their  commands  the  war 
will  be  over  in  a  jiffy,  and  good-bye  to  my  plans." 

"  Yow  forget,"  said  Beelzebub  meaningly,  and  fixed 
Ids  burning  eyes  upon  Brain's,  till  the  latter  winced 


12  ABRAHAM 

and  wiggled  as  though  ho  was  on  a  toasting  fork,  "you 
forget,  my  dear  Brani." 

"What?"  stammered  Bram,  fearing  he  had  been 
detected,  yet  hoping  to  escape,  "  What  do  I  forget?'' 

"  What !"  roared  the  Evil  One,  "  Do  you  pretend 
you  don't  know !  you  low,  cunning,  pettifogging, 
cringing,  artful,  Illinois  stump  lawyer !  Would  you 
cheat  me?  You  know  very  well  there's  no  considera- 
tion expressed  in  that  deed,  or  you  wouldn't  have  been 
in  such  a  hurry  to  sign  it,  and  run  to  look  after  your 
major-generals.  But  come,  let  us  remain  friends.  I 
admire  you  the  more  for  your  dishonesty  ;  only  3*011 
musn't  think  to  'beat  the  Devil  round  a  stump. 
Honor  amongst  thieves,  you  know." 

So  saying,  the  worthy  pair  shook  hands  and  smiled. 
The  elder  one  then  proceeded  to  finish  the  agreement : 

" 'Jn  consideration  whereof  my  friend  promises,  (no 
— pledges,)  pledges  to  render  unto  mo  what  he  pos- 
sesses (it  ain't  much,  any  how,)  of  a  mortal  soul,  tho 
same  to  be  mine  forever  ! 

(Signed)  BAAL." 

(Signed)  BEAM." 

^'Now,"  said  Baal,  as  Old  Abo  with  trembling 
fingers  and  face  white  as  a  sheet,  signed  the  bond  ; 
"now,  my  dear  Abe,  if  you  want  any  advice,  just  let 
meluiow,  for  like  yourself,  I've  other  matters  to  at- 
tend to." 

"Don't  be  in  a  hurry,"  said  Abe,  looking  with  re- 
gret upon  tho  parchment  which  Baal  had  suffered  to 
remain  on  the  table,  "  what  shall  I  do  with  the  Aboli- 
tion party?  Nothing  I  do  seems  to  please  them. 
Phillips  is  constantly  abusing  me" 


AFEICANUS  I.  13 

"  Issue  a  Proclamation  of  Emancipation.  You  re- 
member you  said  at  Chicago,  July  10,  1858,  *  I  hate, 
and  have  always  hated  slavery  as  much  as  any  other 
Abolitionist.'     It  will  run  well  with  your  words." 

"  You  Ve  a  good  memory,  Nick  ;  but  your  advice  is 
rather  late.  I  've  issued  such  a  Proclamation 
already." 

"  The  deuce  you  have !  who  put  you  up  to  that, 
Abey  ?" 

"  It  was  original,  old  fellow,  original,  every  line  of 
it." 

"  Gome,  come,  friend,"  said  Old  Nick  reproachfully, 
"you  know  you  havn't  brains  enough  to  stretch  a 
clothes  line.  Somebody  must  have  put  you  up  to 
it  or  you  never  could  have  done  it.  "Who  was  it? 
Sumner  ?" 

"  No." 

"  Halo  ?" 

"No." 

"Wilson?" 

"  Weil,  Wilson  gave  me  a  hint  or  two." 

"  Exactly,  and  upon  that  hint  you  spoke.'* 

"  Wasn't  a  bad  idea,  was  it?" 

"  No  !  Still  you  may  lose  the  support  of  the  Con- 
servatives." 

"I've  provided  against  that.  I  issued  secretin- 
struct  ions  to  Banks  and  others,  to  pay  no  attention 
to  the  proclamation,  and  to  order  the  negroes  in  their 
respeetiYe  departments,  to  remain  on  their  planta- 
tions.   A 

"  Well,  what  good  will  that  do?" 


*Soe  Banks'  Goceral  Or  lor,  Tan.  !9,  1834 


14:  ABRAHAM 

"  Don't  you  see  ?  By  compelling  them  to  remain, 
they  will  be  obliged  to  work .'' 

11  But  that's  slavery  again. 

"True,  but  it  won't  appear  so.  We  say  it  is  neces- 
sary to  the  public  peace  that  the  negroes  shall  not  be 
roaming  about  the  country.  That  keeps  them  at 
work,  and  while  then*  labor  benefits  the  men  I  have 
appointed  to  cultivate  the  plantations,  all  of  whom 
are  creatures  of  mine,  the  measure  will  give  assurance 
to  the  Conservatives  that  I  am  not  in  a  hurry  to 
emancipate." 

"Not  so  bad.  I  trace  brother  Seward's  mind  in 
that  arrangement.  But  to  the  Abolitionists  again. 
I  don't  exactly  see  what  yon  can  do  for  them,  although 
I  understand  the  value  of  heir  support  at  the  elec- 
tions. How  would  a  draft  for  half  a  million  moro 
men  do  V 

"  You  frighten  ni9.     What  !  half  a  million  more?" 

"  Yes.  It  would  have  a  threefold  advantage.  1st, 
Please  the  radicals.  2i,  Draw  away  so  many  votes 
from  the  opposition.  3d,  Convert  enemies  into 
friends,  for  once  in  the  army  they  'd  have  no  chanco 
for  Democratic  sentiments." 

Brain  here  slyly  covered  the  scribbled  parchment 
with  his  long  bony  hands,  but  the  Devil  had  been 
watching  him,  and  caught  it  up  in  time.  Bram  ap- 
peared not  to  be  aware  of  the  manceuvcr,  but  con- 
tinued the  subject  of  a  proposed  draft. 

"I  like  your  advice,  and  shall  act  upon  it.  Bub 
would'nt  such  an  act  be  treachery  to  the  States  that 
have  filled  up  the  last  quota,  and  tr<  y  to  thoso 

that  were  given  to  suppose  there  would  bo   no  other 
draJ 


AFBICANUS   I.  15 

•«  Bram,"  said  the  Devil  with  a  curse, 
And  dropping  prose — relapsing  into  verse, 
"  It  little  becomes  either  you  or  I, 
To  pause  at  acts  of  treachery. 
Since  in  the  end  if  there  be  shame, 
AYe  both  of  us  have  often  been  to  blame. 
Your  treason  but  extends  to  States, 
Mine  to  a  Higher  cause  relates. 
You  grasp  at  poweb  ;  I  did  the  same  ; 
The  treason  differs  but  in  name. " 

The  Devil  vanished  as  he  spoke, 

"While  clouds  of  ashes  and  of  smoke, 

Flew  up  the  chimney  in  delight, 

As  if  to  aid  his  sudden  flight. 

Bram  rubbed  his  eyes,  and  looked  to  see 

The  Devil  in  reality. 

Could  he  have  dreamed,  or  was  it  true  ? 

The  old  brass  andiron  met  his  view, 

And  in  the  hearth  burned  dim  and  low, 

The  fire  which  was  flick'ring,  now  ; 

A  strange  dull  feeling  in  his  head, 

Warned  him  'twas  time  to  go  to  bed, 

With  tottering  steps  he  sought  his  rest, 

Where  soon  he  snored  as  't  may  be  guessed ; 

lie  snored  away,  and  any  fellow 

Might  do  the  same,  who  got  as  mellow. 


Chapter    81. 

THE   CONSPIRACY. 

SOENE. — The  Sincking  Loom  in  the    While    House.  — Celeezb  and 
Stentob  discovered  in  conversation. 

Enter,  BsAa  and  Soo,  (the  great  Irrepressible  Magician.) 

BEAM. 

Good  friends,  to  banish  public  cares, 
The  mighty  Soo  with  ua  appears, 


16  ABRAHAM 

And  hath  engaged  to  please-  us  so, 
In  that  he  purposes  to  do  : 
"We  have  consented  he  shall  steep 
Our  senses  in  mesmeric  sleep, 
So  that  the  past  and  future  rise, 
As  he  may  will,  before  our  eyes  ; 
And  by  clairvoyance  clearly  view, 
Each  scene  or  transit  we  pass  thro'. 

CILEEZE    AND   SlENTOR,    TOGETHER. 

Haste  thou,  great  Soo,  your  power  essay, 
In  feats  not  furnished  every  day. 
For  us  who  know  your  skill  in  feats, 
Of  vaultings,  tumblings,  somersets, 
There's  little  fear  that  we  may  doubt, 
Should  you  turn  Bram  just  inside  out. 

BOO. 

Great  Sirs,  I  do  not  seek  to  addle, 
Your  brain  with  long  unmeaning  twaddle, 
Nor  by  abstractions  infinite, 
Your  minds  to  puzzle  or  benight  ; 
But  by  some  strong  unchallenged  facts, 
Give  truth  and  credence  to  my  acts, 
So  that  the  science  and  the  man, 
May  challenge  doubt,  if  doubt  you  can. 
Till  then,  we  all  must  silence  keep, 
The  while  I  charm  Great  Bram  to  sleep. 
Then  seating  Bram  upon  a  chair, 
The  mighty  Soo  began  to  stare  , 
Whilst  watching  both  with  anxious  ey  ■, 
The  other  two  stood  wondering  by. 
Thus,  long  they  stood,  till  Soo  advancing, 
His  eye  with  magic  meaning  glancing, 
H<  Btood  beside,  then  wildly  throwing 
His  arms  about,  began  pow-wowing; 
Till  Bram's  great  eyes  were  seen  to  wink, 
Hi.-;  head  to  nod  and  forward  sink — 
Then  with  a  smile  to  those  around, 
Great  Soo  announced  the  sleep  profound. 
Invited  both  to  touch  and  scan, 
And  then  to  this  effect  began  : — 


AFKICANTJS   L  17 

You  see  that  all 's  not  what 't  appears, 

To  smell,  touch,  taste,  or  eyes,  or  ears, 

Aud  many  wondrous  things  may  be, 

Which  baffle  our  philosophy  ; 

So  Mesmer's  magic  sleep  defies 

Hands,  nose,  and  mouth,  and  ears,  and  eyes. 

He  sleeps,  and  forthwith  I'll  commence 

To  act  upon  his  slumbering  sense, 

And  thro'  each  phrenologic  bump, 

Act  on  the  brain  with  moral  pump  ; 

By  touching  each  we'll  make  appear, 

The  trait  that's  hid  beneath  each  hair  ; 

Of  good  or  ill,  we  '11  have  it  shown, 

And  first  well  place  our  touch  on  '  Tune.' 

Soo  here  proceeded  where  he  said, 
To  place  his  hand  upon  Brain's  head, 
Who  answering  to  the  magic  touch, 
Straightway  broke  out  into  this  snatch  : 

BBAM. 

fi,etrospeciivo  piu  alleghressimo. 

Am. — "  John  Brown." 

"We  '11  hang  Jeff  Davis  on  a  sour  apple  tree, 
We  '11  harjg  Jeff  Davis  on  a  sour  apple  tree, 
Y/e  '11  hang  Jeff  Davis  on  a  sour  apple  tree, 
As  we  go  marching  along!  !" 

Hold !  hold !  cried  Cheeze  and  Stentor  ;  hold  i 

That  song  grows  hateful  as 't  grows  old ! 

For  party  purposes  it  had  its  day — 

We  pray  thee,  wondrous  Soo,  to  change  the  lay. 

BEAM. 

Prospective  fortissimo. 
"Oh  carry  me  back, 
Oh  carry  me  back, 

To  ole  Virginny  shore1; 
I'll  change  my  ways, 
And  reappoint  Mac, 
And  never  do  so  no  moro!" 


S)  AJ3EAHAM 

Then  shifting  bis  position  on  the  chair, 

fireat  Abram  cleared  his  tlu-oat  and  changed  the  air  :  — 

BItAM. 

Andanie  jollisimo. 
**  Come  back !  come  back !  we'll  vote  for  Mac, 

Success  where'er  he  goes, 
"We  '11  drink  to-day,  as  well  we  may, 

Confusion  to  his  foes  /" 

The  Greenback  Chief  with  threatening  frown, 
Upon  the  sleeping  Bram  looked  down — 
"While  Soo  himself,  perplexed  and  puzzled, 
Pow-wowed  in  vain  to  get  him  muzzled  ; 
Nor  did  succeed  'till  one  or  two 
More  jolly  song3  were  thus  got  thro'. 
Great  Sirs,  quoth  the  Magician,  grinning, 
I  fear  my  art,  not  I's  been  sinning, 
In  calling  secret  feelings  forth, 
Of  doubtful  use  and  little  worth  ■ 
But  if  forgiven,  I'll  instead 
Proceed  again  to  touch  his  head. 

The  Greenback  Chief  with  smile  resigned, 
And  willing  ear  his  head  inclined, 
And  trembling  Stentor  dreading  worse, 
Expressed  himself  as  not  averse. 
With  this  the  skillful  conjurer  struck 
On  "  Self-esteem,"  when  forth  ho  broke 

BRAM. 

Thrice  lucky  Bram,  thy  destiny, 
The  Fates  have  made  for  ever  high, 
As  upwards  still  thy  fate  to  rise, 
Success  for  e'er  shall  glad  thine  eyes. 
Heaven's  own  especntl  favorite  thou, 
Called  Honest  Bram  where'er  you  go  ; 
Gaze  on  the  past  and  learn  from  thence, 
How  well  thou'st  earned  thy  recompense  ; 
Gaze  on  the  future  still  as  kind, 
In  promise  to  thy  master  mind. 
From  western  flat-boats,  doomed  to  toih 
Thy  back  to  bend,  thy  hands  to  soil, 


*. 


AFRICANUS  I.  19 

Thy  fitness  for  this  occupation 

Inspired  thee  to  rule  the  nation  ; 

And  what  if  nature's  freak  denied  thee  brains, 

Thou  had'st  the  tact  to  use  thy  friends. 

To  have  thyself  dubbed  "Honest,  "thy  reign  a  "Mission,'' 

By  simply  advocating  Abolition. 

cheeze. 

Something  too  much  of  this,  great  Soo, 

I  cry  thee  quits,  we've  something  more  to  do  ; 

These  vaunting  boasts  can  profit  naught, 

Nor  serve  in  any  way  our  thought ; 

But  if  by  arts  possessed  you  can, 

In  any  way  confess  this  man, 

Take  from  him  in  his  slumbering  state, 

His  mental  guards,  and  make  him  prate  ; 

Tell  whom  he  trusts  and  whom  he  doubts, 

"What  his  designs  towards  "ins"  and  "outs  ;**    ' 

Whom  he  will  favor,  who  oppose, 

"Who  thinks  his  friends,  and  who  his  foes, 

"Who  he  will  aid  and  who  refuse, 

And  what  his  own  ambitious  views — 

I'm  free  to  say,  my  friends  and  I, 

Will  be  obliged  eternally. 

soo. 

To  do  this  well  upon  compunction, 
I'll  put  yourself  in  close  conjunction  ; 
By  proxy  make  thee  act  magician, 
And  touch  the  bump  of  his  Ambition  ; 
Which  having  done,  ask  what  you  can,  Sir, 
The  obedient  tongue  won't  fail  to  answer. 

And  quickly  was  it  done  as  said, 

The  Greenback  touch  was  on  Bram's  head. 

CHEESE. 

Hast  thou  reliance,  hope,  and  trust 
In  thy  own  Cheezey  ? 

BEAM. 

Well,  I  must 


20  ABRAHAM 

CHibAZEi  t 

Dost  think  him  honest  as  he's  groat, 
What  e'er  betide  ? 

BEAM. 

He'd.  Sell  the  state. 

CHEEZE. 

Why  then  by  thee  is  he  caressed  ? 
Why  not  discard  ? 

BEAM. 

Tis  not  my  interest. 

CHEEZE. 

How  can  this  be  ;  art  thou  content 

To  leave  thy  Cheezey  to  his  bent? 

You  know  his  object  i3  by  paper  circulation, 

To  lay  down  pipe  for  next  term's  nomination — 

Bram — (interrupting  him.) 

Your  rhyme's  played  out,  ray  cove.  I  ain't  no  sucli 
fool  as  to  give  up  this  berth  to  Salmon  P.  Cheezey  or 
any  other  man.  I  ain't  here  for  nothing,  and  I  just 
tell  you  I  'in  going  to  stay  here. 

CiiEEZE — (hlandhj.) 

But  the  people,  my  dear  Bram,  the  people.  You 
know  if  the  people  say  your  time 's  up,  you  must  go. 

Bimi — (excitedly.) 

The  people  bo  d — d !  Bo  you  supposo  I  've  been 
playing  the  Fool  and  the  Honest  Man  all  this  time 
for  your  benefit.  No,  gentlemen  !  'Tis  time  we  under- 
stood one  another.  The  Honest  role  I  have  under- 
taken was  to  further  my  own  ends,  not  yours. 


AEEICANUS  I.  21 

Cheezey — (sooth  ingly.) 

My  dear  Bram,  you  know  we  made  you  what  yon 
are.  But  for  us  you  would  still  have  been  the  ob- 
scure, uncouth,  Illinois  rail- splitter,  "  unwept,  un- 
honored  and  unsung." 

Beam. 

I  want  to  hear  no  more  of  this.  You  nominated 
me  for  your  own  ends.  I  jumped  at  the  offer  and  was 
elected,  and  sometimes  I  shudder  at  the  great  sin  I 
committed  ;  for,  to  be  elected,  I  had  to  pledge  myself 
to  your  views  and  those  of  Soo,  Stentor,  and  the 
whole  party.     Now  look  at  the  consequences. 

Cheeze. 

But  the  Union,  my  dear  friend,  the  Union.  Ton. 
forget  that.  See  the  strength  of  our  own  party  to- 
day, by  simply  changing  the  name  from  Black  Re- 
publican to  Union. 

Beam. 

Stuff  and  bosh  !  and  you  know  it  too.     What  is  all 

this  talk   about  the   Union.     You  want  no  Union — 

neither  do  the  rest.     You  want  what  I  want,  but  I  '11 

be  hanged  if  I  am  going  to  let  you  get  ahead  of  me 

at  it. 

Cheeze — (suspiciously.) 

What  do  you  mean  ? 

Beam. 

I  MEAN  Empiee  !  That's  what  I  mean,  and  that's  -what 
you  mean,  and  that's  what  all  of  you  mean ;  but  IVa 
got  the  advantage  of  you  in  the  race,  and  intend  to 
keep  it. 


22  ABRAHAM 

Cheeze — (aside  to  Soo  and  Stentor,  each  uith  las  fore- 
finger to  his  nose.) 

The  vile  toad !  He  's  wide  awake.  This  comes  of 
elevating  such  trash. 

Stextor. 

I  didn  't  suspect  him  of  such  ideas.  It  reminds  me 
of  Tittlebat  Titmouse  and  his  patron. 

Soo. 

My  friend,  suspect  every  man.  No  one  is  too  hum- 
hie  to  be  ambitious — none  too  ■  honest '  to  take  that 
which  has  no  owner,  and  Emigre  is  one  of  those 
things — and  none  too  ignorant  to  grasp  that  which 
has  been  thrust  at  him.  Cheezey,  suppose  we  vary 
the  entertainment  by  touching  him  upon  the  subject 
of  "  Buffoonery." 

Cheeze. 

Good.  We'll  talk  about  that  other  matter  anon. 
[Advances  to  the  sleeping  Bram,  and  touches  his  hump  of 
",/ofo?.s."J  What's  the  biggest  joke  you  ever  heard 
of,  Bram  ? 

Bram. 

Your  legal  tender ! 

Cheeze — (viciously.) 
Bram,  your  jokes  always  put  me  in  mind  of  a  ball. 

Bram. 

Why ! 

Cheeze. 

Because  they  never  have  any  point ! 


africanus  l 

Bram. 
You  never  laugh  when  I  say  a  good  thing. 

Ciieeze. 
Don't  I  ?     You'd  better  try  me  with  one  J 

Bram. 

When  does  the  House  of  representatives  present  * 
ridiculous  appearance  ? 

Cheeze. 
When  it  discusses  my  finance  bills. 

Bram. 

No.  When  its  ayes  (eyes)  are  on  one  side,  and  cEr 
noes  (nose)  on  the  other, 

Cheeze. 

Pretty  good.     Now  tell  me  why  is  Dick  Busteel 
like  Necessity  ? 

Bram. 

That's  old,  Cheezey.  Because  he  "knows  no  lam. 
But  speaking  of  law  reminds  me  of  a  good  thing  % 
heard  the  other  day  on  old  Breezy  Welles.  A  fellow 
down  in  Ohio  exhibited  him  a  plan  for  making  ships 
out  of  india-rubber.  Old  Periwinkle  wouldn't  listed 
to  him,  though,  because  he  was  afraid  that  such  sMgw 
in  crossing  the  line,  might  rub  it  out  ! 

"  The  law  entitles  mo  to  be  heard,"  said  the  Budfe- 
eye. 

"  Go  to  Gov.  Morgan,"  said  the  Secretary. 

"  But  he's  your  brother-in-law,"  urged  the  inv^S" 
tor. 


24  ABRAHAM 

"Then  go  to  Captain  So-and-so." 

"  But  lie's  your  nephew." 

"  Then  go  to  Commissioner  So-and-so.'* 

"  But  he's  your  cousin." 

"  Then  go  to  the  devil." 

"Ah,  that's  a  still  closer  connection,"  said  the  fel- 
low, pitching  an  inkstand  at  the  Secretary's  head  and 
consoling  him  with  the  parting  reflection  that  "  All's 
well  as  ends  Welles." 

Cheeze. 

You  said  'twas  not  your  interest  to  discard  your 
Cheezey.  Have  you  no  fears  his  power  over  the  trea- 
sury will  carry  him  into  the  presidential  chair  ? 

Soo — (to  Chcc^c.) 

You're  out  of  order,  Cheezey.  He  cannot  reply  to 
that  question.     It's  not  a  funny  one. 

Cheeze — (to  Br  am.) 

"Well  then  Bram,  you  said  my  legal  tenders  were 
the  biggest  joke  you  ever  heard  of.  Ain't  you  afraid 
the  joke  may  be  carried  too  far  for  your  chances  of 

re-ckctiun. 

Bn.ur. 

No.  "When  the  time  comes  I'll  put  a  stop  to  them. 
They  remind  me  of  a  story  I  heard  out  west  at  ono 
time.  There  was  an  old  farmer  who  had  an  old  mare 
called  Greenbacks.  He  took  her  out  one  day  to  plow. 
But  the  old  mare  wouldn't  go,  no  how.  He  coaxed 
her  and  coaxed  her,  then  he  whipped  her  and  whip- 
ped her,  and  tin  ally  he  set  his  gal  Sue  at  her  with  a 
big  stick  to  beat  the  hido  off  of  her.     She  wouldn't 


AFBIOANUS  I.  •    25 

go  though,  and  the  old  man  was  in  a  tarnation  fix. 
"  Calkerlate  I'll  swap  the  mare  off,"  says  he,  "  or 
what's  better,  I'll  sell  her  to  Uncle  Sam  for  cavalry 
purposes  ;"  when  jist  as  he  was  gettin'  kinder  soft  on 
her,  up  she  starts  and  goes  off  at  a  canter  that  threat- 
ened to  knock  the  wind  out  of  her  in  tarnal  short 
time.  After  her  goes  the  old  man,  tumbling  over  the 
furrows,  and  risking  his  neck  at  every  step.  "  Hal- 
loa !"  says  Sue,  and  she  strikes  after  old  Greenbacks, 
and  runs  up  to  his  neck  with  her  cudgel  a  hitting 
him  right  smart  in  the  tender  parts.  "  What  are  you 
about  there  Sue,"  said  the  old  man.  "  Trying  to  get 
that  all-fired  green-bottled  fly  off  his  neck,"  said  Sue. 
"  Don't  do  no  such  thing  !"  screamed  the  old  man  ; 
"  that  green-bottled  fly  is  all  that  makes  her  go  and  if 
you  brush  that  off  she'll  bust  her  biler  and  collapse 
straightway !"  Now  that  green-bottled  fly  is  Cheezy's 
hopes  for  the  Presidency.  As  long  as  I  leave  that 
on,  the  machine  will  run  easy,  but  the  moment  it  is 
taken  off  the  critter  stops  and  devil  a  foot  of  land  will 
be  reclaimed. 

Cheeze. 
Then  you  believe  in  Greenbacks  ? 

Beam. 

As  I  believe  in  steam.     Useful  while  under  control ; 
but  sure  to  bust  up  if  used  expansively. 

Soo. 

We  ought  to  have  old  Welles  here  on  the  subject 
of  expansive  steam. 


26  ABRAHAM 

Stentob, 

Or  Isherwood.  He  might  givo  us  the  benefit  of  his 
.Lake  Erie  experiments.  But  let  us  change  tho 
theme,     "What  do  you  say  to  a  touch  of  biography. 

SOO  AND  CHEEZEY. 

Agreed.     Suppose  you  take  him  in  hand,  Stentor. 

"Twas  done.     The  crafty  Stentor  passed  the  drinks  around 
'Till  Abram's  slumbers  grew  the  more  profound  ; 
Then  mounting  high  his  categoric  stump, 
He  tapped  Braai's  auto-biographic  bump. 


Chapter    III. 

beam's  biogkapht. 

"  I  was  first  elected,"  commenced  Brain,  u  to  tho 
Illinois  legislature  in  1834." 

"Stop,  stop,"  cries  Soo,  "if  you've  no  objection 
Brainy,  we'll  go  back  a  little  earlier." 

"Come,  come,  gontlcmen,"  said  Stontor  "  you  don't 
want  the  man  to  tell  us  all  his  flat  boating  and  wood- 
sawing  adventures  in  Illinois." 

"Yes  wo  do,"  said  Soo,  "wo  want  to  know  how  such 
a  man  ever  emerged  from  obscurity,  and  in  doing  so 
perhaps  elicit  somo  bonoficial  hint  for  our  private 
"benefit." 

"  Well  then,  I  was  born,"  continued  Bram  speak- 
ing still  with  his  eyes  closed  and  between  his  fcelh,  as 
though  against  his  will  "  on  iho  12Lh  of  February, 
1800,  in  La  Ruo  county,  Kentucky." 


AFRICANUS  I.  27 

"Oh  we  know  all  that,"  interrupted  Soo;  "your 
mother's  name  was  Nancy  Hanks  and  your  father's 
Tom  Lincoln,  a  rail  splittei,  stump  extractor,  swamp 
clearer,  root  burner,  and  cow  breeder." 

"  That's  true,"  said  Bram,  "but  he  was  of  aristo- 
cratic descent.*  We  can  trace  our  lineage  to  the  times 
of  Robin  Hood,  who  had  about  him  men  in  Lincoln 
green." 

A  sarcastic  smile  and  a  movement  towards  his  lit- 
tle bell,  betokened  the  rising  contempt  o  Soo's 
great  breast.  The  others  interposing,  he  resigned 
himself  to  Brain's  genealogical  rhapsody. 

One  of  my  ancestors,  was  the  noblo  Earl  of  Lin- 

Penn  to  escape  the  displeasure  of  Charlemagne  the 
great,  brought  with  him  a  stump  of  the  rod  of  Aaron 
and  a  copy  of  the  Habeas  Corpus'* 

"  Which  you  have  since  lost,"  suggested  Stentor. 

"Exactly,"  said  Bram,  with  a  chuckle  "which  ain't 
no  whar  to  be  found.  The  first  thing  they  did  was  to 
make  a  treaty  with  the  Indians  who  were  in  rebellion: 
against  the  infant  colony  and  could'nt  be  put  down 
under  ninety  days.     The  treaty  was  as  follows : 

1  Motto — The  Penn  is  mightier  than  the  Sword : 

Art.  1.  The  Indians  agree  to  give  up  all  their 
lands. 

Art.  2.  All  their  medicine  men. 

Art.  3.  All  their  squaws. 

Art.  4.  Everything  else. 

Art.  5.  And  to  accept  a  bottle  of  bad  whiskey  in 
return.' 


♦Barrotfs  Life  of  Lincoln,  pago  11. 


23  ABRAHAM 

"Well,  the  natives  stuck  to  this  arrangement  wiifc 
commendable  honor  until  they  got  their  whisky,  whea. 
they  broke  into  open  revolt.  Penn  was  for  peaceablo 
measures,  but  Lincoln  advised  coercion.  Said  Penn, 
1  you  cannot  fight  always.''1* 

I  But  Lincoln  showed  that  if  the  war  was  conducted 
with  sufficient  ferocity,  the  aborigines  would  soon 
be  wiped  out  and  the  country  would  be  their  own.  So 
they  went  in  and  slaughtered  without  mercy,  giving 
no  quarter,  making  no  exchanges,  nor  sparing  even 
the  women,  and  burning  and  confiscating  everything 
in  their  path.  In  a  very  short  time  the  country  was 
cleared  and  Penn  and  Lincoln  not  agreeing  about  a 
proper  division  of  the  spoils  the  latter  with  the  aid 
of  his  soldiery,  took  the  best  part  of  it  and  leaving 
the  avaricious  and  envious  Penn,  settled  on  the  besk 
farming  lands  and  established  himself  supreme  in  tho 
western  part  of  the  country.  His  posterity  eventually 
became  attracted  to  the  new  state  of  Kentucky  and 
removing  their  immense  capital  thence,  invested  ii 
in  the  lumber  business.'* 

"  Not  so  fast,  mighty  Bram,"  cried  Soo,  "  what  do 
you  mean  by  '  capital '  and  'lumber  business  ?'  " 

"  Well  their  capital  consisted  of  a  rifle  and  a  broad 
ax  and  the  lumber  business  was  the  trees  standing  all 
round  them  ready  to  be  cut  down." 

"Rather  a  falling  off,"  suggested  Cheeze. 

II  They  quarreled  a  good  deal  with  ono  another, 
and  that  was  all  there  was  left.  My  immediato  an- 
cestor there  met  and  wooed  tho  lovely  Hanks,  and  m 
proper  time  I  made  my  appearance.    I  grew  so  fasfc 

♦Inaugural. 


AFRICANUS  I.  29 

Oitd  my  father  used  to  be  in  the  habit  of  making 
chalk  marks  on  my  legs  to  see  how  much  I  gained 
ever  night.  He  had  to  raise  the  top  of  our  shanty 
on  three  occasions  to  make  room  for  my  increasing 
altitude,  and  even  then  I  had  to  put  my  head  through 
the  smoke-hole  in  the  roof,  to  comb  my  hair. 

From  Kentucky  we  moved  to  Indiana,  generously 
leaving  our  stock  of  standing  lumber " 

u  Which  you  couldn't  take  with  you/'  hinted 
Cheeze. 

^Exactly.  Leaving  our  stock  of  lumber  to  the 
next  man  that  came  along,  we  squatted  in  Indiana 
sear  what  is  now  called  Gentryville.*  As  we  were 
intent  upon  remaining  there,  we  didn't  need  a  log 
«abin " 

^How  so?,,  asked  Stentor. 

^Because  we  were  as  I  said  in  tent." 

"But  how  did  you  provide  for  your  farm  stock* 
jour  pigs  and  chickens  ?"  persisted  his  interrogator. 

**  Well,  as  for  the  pigs,  we  tied  their  tails  in  a  knot 
and  so  provided  each  of  them  with  a  pigs  tie,  and  as 
for  the  poultry,  we  inherited  our  great  ancestors' 
genius  for  a  coup  de  etat. 

u  The  raasons  why  we  left  our  old  Kentucky  home 
I  need  not  go  into.  Suffice  to  say  in  the  words  of 
©ne  of  my  biographers :  '  We  have  at  least  the  fact, 
that,  though  painfully,  and  with  an  exile's  sadness,  he 
turned  his  back  forever  on  a  State  that  tolerated  sla- 
Tery,  to  seek  a  new  home  where  free  labor  had  been 
sacredly  assured  exclusive  rights  and  honors.'f 

"After  receiving  my  education  I  was  elected  to  the 
Hli " 

•  Barret's  Life.  f  Barrett's  Life,  p.  24. 


30  ABRAHAM 

"  Stop,  stop,  stop,"  cries  Stentor,  "you  appear  to 
be  in  a  great  hurry  to  get  to  the  legislature.  Let's 
Lear  a  little  more  of  your  Indiana  life.  "What  kind  of 
an  education  did  you  get  ?" 

"  Well,  the  first  thing  I  learnt  was  the  dignity  of 
labor.*  That  consisted  in  twenty-deck  poker,  and 
handling  a  gad,  thus : 

Plowing,  sans  shoes  or  socks  on, 
With  snake  pole  and  a  yoke  of  oxen. 

I  stumped  a  twenty  acre  field  with  immenso  suc- 
cess. I  learnt  my  statesmanship  from  a  comio 
almanac,  and  got  my  jokes  from  an  old  Joe  Miller.'* 

"  How  long  were  you  at  school  ?"   asked  Cheeze. 

"  I'd  rather  not  answer  that  question,  gentlemen," 
pleaded  the  sleeping  Bram. 

"  You  must  !"  replied  Stentor. 

"  Well  then,  about  a  year  altogether,  f  But  you 
musn't  judge  me  from  that.  I  learnt  a  good  deal 
from  A  FPvIEND  in  Illinois." 

"  If  you  only  went  to  school  a  year,  what's  tho 
moaning  of  this  passage  in  your  '  authentic  biogra- 
phy  :' 

*  His  last  teacher  was  a  Mr.  Dorsey,  who  has  had  tho 
satisfaction,  in  later  years,  of  taking  his  former 
scholar  by  tho  hand,  rejoicing  to  recognize  tho  onco 
obscure  boy  as  the  foremost  leader  of  the  rEorua.'  " 

"  Oh  !  that  meant  office  "  said  Bram. 

At  this  magical  word  the  conspirators  wero  ob- 
served to  lose  their  sportive  humor  and  become  much 
more  taciturn.     Bram  continued  : 

"  The  name  of  honest,  which   was  afterwards  be- 

•Ibid,  p.  Si  tn>'J.  P-25. 


AFEICAKUS  L  31 

stowed  upon  me  by  A  FRIEND,  is  popularly  attribu- 
ted to  the  following  incident  of  my  life  : 

I  borrowed  a  book  from  a  man  named  Crawford, 
and  as  books  were  very  scarce  in  those  parts,  2"  lost 
half  of  it.  Carrying  the  ruined  book  to  my  friend,  I 
offered  to  pull  fodder  for  him  for  two  days,  to  make 
it  square.  As  he  didn't  have  any  fodder  to  pull,  ho 
took  me,  and  I  pulled  it,  and  so  made  the  matter 
square.  So  my  biographer  put  it  in  this  shape :  *  Tho 
offer  was  accepted  and  the  engagement  literally  ful- 
filled. As  a  boy,  no  less  than  since  Abraham  Lincoln 
had  an  honorable  conscientiousness,  a  constitutional 
integrity,  a  miscellaneous  industry,  and  an  ardent 
love  of  knowledge.' 

1  When  I  was  nineteen  years  old,  I  went  a  flat 
boating.  Now  gentlemen,  people  are  very  fond  of 
calling  me  a  flat  boatman,  a  rail  splitter,  and  so  forth* 
I  assure  you  I  never  made  but  one  voyage  on  a  flat 
boat  f  and  never  split  but  one  rail  and  that's  the  rail 
truth.     Pass  the  bottle  over  here,  Cheezey." 

"Really,  Lincoln,"  commenced  Soo,  "you  are  the 
meanest  li ." 

"  Hash,"  said  Cheeze,  plying  th.e  President  with  a 
gallon  of  contract  whisky. 


Chapter     8V. 

About  this  time  I  made  the  great  discovery  that 
"  it  is  easier  to  pay  a  large  debt  than  a  larger  one. 
That  it  is  easier  to  pay  a  small  debt  than  a  large  one ; 
and  that  it  is  easier  to  pay  nothing  than  even  a  small 
debt." 

♦Ibid  page  28  t  ^^ 


32  ABEAI1A3I 

"The  events  that  occurred  during  ray  absence,  were 
of  such  a  nature  that  I  deemed  another  voyage  would 
benefit  my  health,  so  I  bade  good  bye  to  all  hands  and 
braved  the  western  wave  once  more."* 

"  I  thought  you  only  made  one  voyage ! "  said 
Soo. 

"  The  only  one  at  tlial  time.  Ha  !  ha  !  a  good  joke. 
Well  I  made  my  second  voyage  down  the  river  and 
picked  up  a  good  deal  of  money  by  dancing  jigs  and 
singing  nigger  songs." 

"  I  don't  see  any  notice  of  that  in  any  of  your  nu- 
merous biographies,"  interrupted  Stentor,  referring  to 
a  stack  of  books  on  the  shelves,  all  labeled,  ■  Abra- 
ham Africanus,  his  life  and  services.'  " 

"Yes,"  returned  Abe,  "it's  all  writ  down ;  only  in 
different  language.  Just  refer  to  Jim  Barret's  Life, 
page  35,  and  you  will  see  :  '  It  is  reported  by  his  emi- 
nent friends  that  His  Excellency  refers  with  much 
pleasant  humor  to  this  early  experience,  some  of  its 
incidents  affording  abundant  amusement  to  his  au- 
ditors.' " 

*'  On  my  third  voyage,  I  sang  so  much  that  my  jaws 
have  remained  widened  ever  since.  On  my  fourth 
voyage,  I  told  so  many  yarns  that  my  neck  got 
stretched  over  four  inches.  From  some  I  got  the  so- 
briquet of  "  Clam  mouth " — from  others  that  of 
{<  Scraggy,"  perhaps  in  allusion  to  the  proportions  of 
my  neck.     On  my  eleventh  voyage —  " 

"  Hold  !"  cried  Stentor  "  These  voyages  are  getting 
tedious.     There  is  no  end   to   them." 

"  There's  only  one  more,"  replied  Cheeze  ;  "  then 
we'll    get  him  on  the  subject  of  rail  splitting." 

•Barivt'a  life  pnge  35  fSee  also  page  26. 


AFRIOANUS  I.  33 

wIf  he's  as  good  at  rail  splitting  as  lie  is  at  Union 
splitting,"  rejoined  the  warrior,  "  we  shall  have  some 
rare  amusement.  But  let  us  end  these  voyages.  It's 
evident  he  has  a  tedious  succession  of  them  to  relate 
for  the  fool  is  only  half  seas  over  as  yet." 

"Pretty  good,"  said  Soo,  lighting  a  cigar,  "  I  agree 
■with  you,  Stentor.  Drop  these  flat  boat  yarns,  and 
let's  have  some  rail  anecdotes." 

"  Agreed,  gentlemen,"  said  Bram,  "but  in  leaving 
the  water  for  the  land  I'm  afraid  you  find  my  stories 
rather  dry." 

"  Tell tlxat  to  the  marines"  cried  Stentor. 

"  Moisten  them  with  a  little  '  forty-rod/  "  suggested 
Cheeze. 


Chapter    V. 

BAIL  STOEIES. 

"  After  thirteen  voyages,  I  went  in  on  my  old 
grounds  and  re-occupied  them.  I  took  a  laborer  with 
me  by  the  name  of  Johnny  Hanks  and  we  together 
split  3,000  rails." 

"Stop  one  moment,"  cries  Soo.  "How  long  did 
you  take  to  split  them." 

"  In  a  day,  I  take  it,"  says  Cheeze. 

"  No  interruption,  gentlemen.  I  want  to  get  at  the 
truth  of  this.     Well,  how  long,  Abe  ?" 

"About  six  years  !"  replied  Abe. 

"And  how  many  of  you  were  there?" 

"  There  was  Hanks,  and  me,  and ' 

•Barren's— page  34.  * 


34  &BBADAX 

"Never  mind,  that'll  do.  If  you  can't  amuse  us 
without  lying,  ray  friend,  we'll  have  to  let  Cheeze  tako 
the  chair  in  1805,  and  leave  you  out  in  the  draft." 

"Don't,  don  t!  Soo,  my  friend,"  cried  the  sleeping 
Bi  am,  with  sudden  energy.  "  I'll  do  anything  you  wish 
— Lot  me  only  be  President  for  four  years  more  !  I 
thought  it  would  bo  no  harm  to  romance  a  little.  It's 
bo  popular  with  the  people  ;  dear  creatures,  they'll  bo- 
lie  ve  anything." 

"All  very  fine,  your  Excellency,"  rejoined  Soo,  "but, 
just  remember  you  can't  stuff  us  quite  so  readily." 

"Gentlemen,"  said  Bram,  turning  to  his  auditors 
one  by  one  and  exhibiting  his  great  lanky  face  blanched 
with  fear  and  working  with  petty  cunning — "whatever 
is  done,  I  don't  want  you  to  leave  me  out  in.  the  c  aid. 
I'd  sacrifice  everything  to  be  re-elected.  I've  got  a 
million  of  money  at  command  and  can  produce  moro 
if  wanted !" 

"Where  from!"  asked  Cheeze. 

"  Oh  never  you  mind,"  replied  Abo,  with  a  knowing 
air.  "  It*s  none  of  your  shabby  greenbacks,  Master 
Cheeze,  but  good  solid  gold.  I've  got  friends  that 
have  the  chink,  gentlemen." 

At  the  word  "  gold  "  they  all  pricked  up  their  cars. 

Taking  advantage  of  their  attention,  Bram  broke 
forth  : 

"Oh  friends  of  my  bosom,  I  'vo  mado  np  my  mind 

And  to  miss  re-election  I  don't  feel  inclined, 
To  you  a  largo  fortune  I'd  gladly  givo  o'er 

If  you  let  mo  bo  in  office  just  iour  01  iivo  years  n:oro. 

Gentlemen,  I  repeat  my  request.     Don* I  leavo  mo 
out  in  the  draft.      L  had  enough  of  thai  once." 
"  Leo 's  hear  about  it,"  said  Scntor. 


AFBICANUS  L  35 

°  Promiso  to  keep  njo  in  office,  then.  Do,  my  dear 
Stentor,"  said  Bram  with  a  cringing  air,  and  trying  to 
get  on  his  knees  and  clasp  Stentor's  legs,  "  you  know 
how  much  I  've  done  for  you — made  you  chief  of  tho 
war  department  when  you  never  knew  anything  of 
war,  given  you  million  after  million  of  profits  on 
contracts — bigger  spoils  than  Cameron  ever  earned, 
or  Morgan  and  Cummings  ever  dreamed  of ;  and  you, 
Cheeze,  I've  given  you  ever?  chance — you  must  havo 
made  largely  on  all  them  revenue  cutters,  besides  what 
you  laid  by  in  gold  contracts  and  stock  operations." 

The  humility  of  the  creature  was  disgusting.  Ho 
dragged  himself  towards  Soo  and  exclaimed  in  pity- 
ing acconts: 

"  Sjo,  I've  given  you  every  chance,  kept  you  in  of- 
fice after  your  blundering  allowed  the  Sumpter  an& 
the  Alabama  to  get  out — after  you  let  Mason  and  Sli- 
dall  escape — after  you  gave  up  tho  mails  of  the  Peter— 
holT — after  you  truckled  to  every  power  in  Europe  and 
permitted  France  to  ignore  the  Monroe  doctrine.  I've 
let  you  lock  up  all  your  privato  enemies  in  Forts 
Lafayette,  Delaware  and  Warren,  and  many  of  them 
in  dungeons  from  whence  they  will  never  emerge* 
Barely,  you  can't  be  so  ungrateful  as  to  throw  me, 
after  all  that?" 

Tho  three  conspirators  began  to  disliko  the  turn 
affairs  had  taken. 

They  soothed  him,  promised  him  everything,  go& 
him  in  his  chair  again,  and  started  him  on  the  Sub~ 
jeefc  of  the  Black  Hawk  War. 


3C  ABRAHAM 

Chapte'r    VI. 

The  modesty  of  a  soldier  forbids  that  I  recount  the 
valorous  deeds  performed  by  me  during  this  cam- 
paign ;  this  I  leave  to  Barret,  whom  I  have  rewarded 
with  a  fat  office  for  his  pains.  On  my  way  back  to 
Illinois,  and  while  separated  on  the  road  from  my 
companions,  I  met  and  defeated,  single  handed, 
twenty  of  the  natives,  and  left  their  dead  bodies  on 
the  road. 

"What!"  cried  Cheeze  and  Stentor,  in  stentorian 
chorus,  "  Twenty-five — and  single  handed,  too  !" 

"  On  my  honor,"  said  Bram,  with  an  air  of  modest 
merit. 

"Oh!  oh!" 

"  Gentlemen,  allow  me  to  explain,"  interposed  Soo. 
**'  I  think  I  can  give  you  the  clue  to  this  in  a  moment. 
-Meanwhile,  let  us  hear  what  became  of  Black  Hawk." 

Bram  thus  reminded,  continued  his  tale : 

"  It  seems  that  Taylor  came  upon  him  at  the  bluffs 
of  the  Wisconsin,  and  after  one  of  the  most  absurd 
battles  ever  fought,  he  defeated  Black  Hawk  and  took 
liim  prisoner.  For  the  sake  of  getting  hold  of  this 
man  and  patting  an  end  to  the  war,  he  absolutely 
sacrificed  several  of  his  own." 

•"How  many  of  the  enemy  did  he  kill?"  asked 
Stentor. 

"  About  sixty-eight.  Only  think  of  it.  It  makes 
one's  blood  run  cold  to  think  of  it  " 

"  r.cmarkable  instance  of  a  scnsitivo  nature,"  said 
Cheeze,  in  a  bland  tone,  putting  his  fat  white  hand 
approvingly  upon  Bram's  head  and  smiling  at  his 
confreres.     "  Now,  Soo,  lot's  hear  the  sequel  of  tho 


AFRICANUS   I.  '      37 

twenty-five  natives  killed  by  my  friend,  (you'll  permit 

me  to  call  you  my  friend,  Bram  ?) 

"  Certainly,  Cheezey,  here  it  is.      I  shall  read  an 

extract  from  a  Congressional  speech  of   Mr.  Lincoln, 
delivered  during  the  canvass  of  1848." 

"By  the  way,  Mr.  Speaker,  did  you  know  I  am  a 
military  hero?  [Derisive  laughter  from  the  galleries.] 
Yes,  sir,  in  the  days  of  the  Black  Hawk  "War,  I  fought 
bled,  and  came  away.  Speaking  of  General  Cass's 
career,  reminds  me  of  my  own.  I  was  not  at  Still- 
man's  defeat,  but  I  was  about  as  near  it  as  Cass  to 
Hall's  surrender  ;  and  like  him,  I  saiv  the  place  very 
soon  afterwards.  It  is  quite  certain  I  did  not  break 
my  sword,  for  I  had  none  to  break ;  but  I  often  drew 
the  long  bow.  If  Cass  broke  his  sword,  the  idea  is,  he 
broke  it  in  desperation ;  I  drew  my  bow  for  amuse- 
ment. If  General  Cass  went  in  advance  of  me  in 
picking  huckle-berries,  I  guess  I  surpassed  him  in 
charges  upon  the  wild  onions.  If  he  saw  any  live 
fighting  Indians,  it  was  more  than  I  did,  but  I  had  a 
good  many  bloody  struggles  with  the  mosquitos,  and  on 
one  occasion  I  remember  to  have  hilled  twenty-five  of 
them  single  handed  /" 

"  This,  gentlemen,"  said  Soo,  is  a  verbatim  extract 
from  the  Daily  Globe  ;  and  what  is  more  it  was  in  this 
momentous  struggle  the  great  Bram  first  realized  that 
immortal  saying — "Nobody  Hurt!" 


38  ABRAHAM 

Chapter     VII. 

PALilAM   QUI   MEKUIT   FERAT. 

Bram  felt  so  indignant  at  the  laughter  raised  by 
this  sally  of  Soo,  that  he  refused  to  answer  any 
more  questions.  The  Confederates  petted  and 
soothed  him  to  no  purpose.  He  was  as  obstinate  as 
a  mule. 

Soo  then  proposed,  in  order  that  the  amusement 
should  not  flag,  to  continue  Brain  s  biography  from 
Barret's  pages,  and  meanwhile  Stentor  should  ply  tho 
sleeper  well  with  *  forty  rod,'  until  he  got  him  in 
good  humor  again.  This  being  agreed  upon,  and 
Bram  well  nourished  with  the  '  star-spangled-striped- 
pig,'  Soo  opened  tho  book,  and  commencing  at  pago 
47,  read : 

"  Wo  now  approach  the  period  in  the  life  of  this 
exalted  personage  which  he  was  destined  by  naturo 
to  attain — we  mean  the  career  of  a  statesman.  Still 
it  must  not  bo  concealed  that  Mr.  Lincoln's  own 
preferences  wero  in  favor  of  a  military  life.  Tho 
adventurous  career  ho  had  just  passed  through  in  tho 
desolating  warfare  with  Black  Hawk,  and  the  heroic 
deeds  which  make  his  name  illustrious  in  the  annals 
of  tho  State  of  Blinois,  in  connection  with  this  now 
famous  campaign,  made  him  feel  that  Providence  had 
not  intended  him  to  be  a  mere  private  in  (he  great 
battle  of  life,  bul  that  ho  had  certain  qualities  which 
could  place  him  at  the  head  of  a  column,  or  of  a  bri- 
gade, if  he  wore  bo  minded. 

Lie  camo  homo  from  the  Black  Hawk  War  with  tho 
high  and  noble  determination  of  working  for  his  own 


AFRICANS  I.  39 

living  thereafter,  provided  he  would  get  nobody  else 
to  do  it  for  him. 

His  tact  at  wire  pulling,  his  acquaintance  with  the 
long  shore  men  and  other  roughs  of  the  place,  and 
his  faculty  of  sticking  at  nothing  to  gain  power,  ob- 
tained its  legitimate  reward,  in  his  election  to  the 
State  Legislature. 

Ho  was  so  exhausted  of  funds  after  getting  into  the 
legislature  that  his  surveying  instruments  were  sold 
under  the  hammer. 

His  appearance  in  the  legislature  was  not  very  dig- 
nified it  is  t:uc — but  ho  made  up  for  that  by  the 
quickness  ho  soon  displayed  of  making  money.  Ho 
possessed  the  rare  art  of  assuming  an  extra  uncouth- 
ness  or  rusticity  of  manner  and  outward  habit,  for  tho 
purpose  ol  securing  particular  favor  with  the  masses 

He  seldom  or  never  spoke  during  the  session,  but 
found  means  to  have  himself  appointed  en  the  Com- 
mittee of  Public  Accounts  and  Expenditures,  which 
he  managed  so  well  that  nobody  ever  suspected  him- 

On  both  subsequent  occasions  that  he  was  elected 
to  tho  Legislature — he  always  managed  to  get  himself 
on  Committees  thai  had  tho  management  of  Money 
Affairs— and  in  this  respect  showed  obvious  wisdom. 

lie  had  thus  (p.  C3)  honorably  acquitted  himself  on 
tho  baUlo-fioLl,  in  defending  our  border  settlements 
a;;-  linsb  tho  ravages  of  the  savage  foe,  and  in  tho  halls 
ol;  t!io  legislature  had  an  eye  to  the  main  chance. 

II is  eloquence  was  so  scathing  and  withering,  that 
that  which  iv'j  firsS  would  appear  plain  and  proba- 
ble, ho  mads  to  loo!:  crooked  as  a  serpent's  path  ;  and 
that  which  was  tortuous  and  involved,  he  straightened 
out  aod  xnado  it  plausible  to  tho  simplest  minds. 


40  ABRAHAM 

This  talent  stood  him  in  so  well,  that  when  in  1860, 
the  Presidential  Convention  met  at  Chicago  and  gave 
on  first  ballot,  173  votes  for  Seward,  50  for  Cameron, 
49  for  Chase,  48  for  Bates,  14  for  Dayton,  and  12  for 
McLean,  he  managed  matters  in  snch  a  way,  that  on 
the  second,  Cameron's  name  was  not  voted  for,  and 
•on  the  third,  he  (Lincoln)  got  the  nomination  himself 
by  231  votes.  It  is  said  he  rather  got  the  best  of  both 
Seward  and  Chase." 

"  Fool !"  cried  the  Premier,  throwing  away  the 
1)ook  and  toucJiing  his  little  bell,  "  I  '11  teach  the  knave 
io  write  us  simpletons,  eh,  Cheezey?" 

"  Fool,"  said  Cheeze. 

An  officer  entered. 

"Search  for  a  man  named  Barrett,  who  wrote  a  life 
of  Lincoln  and  convey  him  under  a  strong  guard  to 
Port  Lafayette.!  No  charge.  Instruct  Col.  Burke 
not  to  obey  writs  of  Habeas  Corpus." 

"  Excuse  me,  your  honor,"  said  the  officer,  "  but  if 
I'm  not  mistaken  this  same  gentleman  you  refer  to  is 
one  of  the  President's  ministers  now  on  foreign  sta- 
tions." 

"  What  political  services  did  he  perform  to  deserve 
that  post,"  demanded  the  lofty  Soo. 

"  He  wrote  that  very  book,  your  worship,"  replied 
the  marshal. 

"  Ah  I  see.     You  may  go." 

The  officer  retired. 

The  Confederates  looked* serious.  This  little  inci- 
dent alone,  convinced  them  they  had  no  child  to 
dual  with.  Bram  was  evidently  up  to  snuff.  And 
when  they  came  to  think  for  what  a  small  mess  of 
poltage   they  had  bargained  away  their  own  nomi- 


AFRICANUS  I.  41 

nations,  they  wondered  how  this  flat  boat-man  of  long 
shanks  and  little  brains  had  managed  to  outwit  them 
all. 

All  three  fell  into  a  brown  study. 


Chapter     VMI. 

THE  FRIEND. 

A  long  time  elapsed  before  either  of  them  spoke. 

It  was  a  singular  scene.  Upon  a  chair  reclining  at 
his  greatest  length,  his  feet  upon  the  hearth,  his  hands 
in  his  pockets,  his  head  resting  heavily  on  his  chest, 
his  hair  dishevelled,  his  cravat  awry,  and  a  general  air 
of  smuttiness,  and  a  general  odor  of  liquor  pervading 
him,  sat  Bram  ;  still  dreaming,  still  snoozing,  still  in 
the  mesmeric  state,  and  yet  so  strong  in  his  self  con- 
centration, so  fixed  in  his  self  estimation,  as  to  be 
capable  of  being  indifferent,  in  spite  of  his  stupor, 
at  the  exposure  his  own  words  had  made  of  his 
ridiculous  boasts  and  his  miserable  inconstancy. 

There  sat  Soo,  turning  the  keys  over  in  his  trousers 
pocket,  thinking  what  a  fool  he  had  been  to  lift  such 
a  man  into  power,  and  at  his  own  expense,  and  to  his 
own  great  shame. 

There  Stentor,  too,  weighed  uneasily  the  poor 
chances  that  remained  of  his  longer  holding  office, 
and  stretching  his  legs  out  under  the  table,  put  one 
hand  to  his  waist-coat  arm,  and  with  the  other 
fumbled  at  his  watch  guard. 

Cheeze  lustily  rattled  a   pocket  full  of  specie  (he 


42  ABRAHAM 

was  the  only  one  that  had  any  hard  money  about 
him,  though  the  others  didn't  lack  paper,)  and  passed 
the  time  with   glancing  uneasily  at  his  three   com- 
panions, probably  distrustful  of  them  all. 
Stentor  was  the  first  to  break  silence. 

"Soo,"  said  he,  "tell  us  a  story  to  whilo  away  the 
time." 

"Don't  ask  me,  Stentor,  my  boy,  I've  told  so  many 
different  stories  in  my  time,  and  none  of  them  seemed 
to  answer,  that  I  despair  of  ever  succeeding  with 
another.  Ask  Cheezey  to  give  you  a  song.  He  has 
a  fine  rich  voice,  sweet  as  a  syren's.  He  sung  so 
sweetly  to  the  New  York  bankers  two  years  ago,  that 
they  haven't  got  over  it  yet." 

Cheeze,  thus  called  upon,  begged  to  be  excused — 
said  he  was  no  singer — only  knew  one  song,  and 
didn't  like  to  sinoj  that  on  account  of  its  disunion 
tendencies — and  so  on. 

"  Pooh,  pooh,"  said  Soo  and  Stentor  in  a  breath, 
"  we  don't  care  anything  about  its  disunion  tendencies^ 
as  you  call  it.  You  don't  suppose  we  are  such  asses 
as  to  believe  in  the  political  nursery  trash  we  preach, 
do  you?" 

" It 's  a  nursery  song*'  said  Cheeze. 

"  Go  ahead,  then,  my  boy,"  said  Soo. 

Stentor  nodded  an  additional  approval,  and  thus 

fortified,    Choezo    cleared    his    bag-pipe   and    thus 
began ; 

Am. — A  Song  of  Sixpence. 

Sing  a  sor.g  of  Greenbacks, 

Pockets  full  of  trash, 
Over  bead  and  cars  in  debt 

And  out  of  ready  cash  ; 
Heaps  of  Tax  Collectors, 

As  busy  as  a  bee  ; 
Ain't   we  in  a  pretty  fit 

With  gold  at  sixty-three. 


AFEIOANUS   L  43 

Bram  in  the  White  House, 

Proclamations  writing  ; 
Meade  on  the  Eapidan 

Afraid  to  do  the  fighting, 
Seward  in  the  cabinet 

Surrounded  by  his  spies  ; 
Halleck  with  the  telegraph 

Busy  forging  lies. 

Cheeze  in  the  treasury, 

Making  worthless  notes ; 
Curtin  at  Harrisburg, 

Making  shoddy  coats  ; 
Dahlgren  at  Charleston, 

Lost  in  a  fog  ; 
Forney  under  Bram's  chair 

Barking  like  a  dog. 

Schenck  down  at  Baltimore, 

Doing  dirty  work ; 
Butler  at  Norfolk, 

As  savage  as  a  Turk  ; 
Sprague  in  Khode  Island, 

Eating  apple  sass  ; 
Everett  at  Gettysburg, 

Talking  like  an  Ass. 

Banks  out  in  Texas, 

Trying  to  cut  a  figure  j 
Beecher  in  Brooklyn, 

Howling  for  the  Nigger ; 
Lots  of  Abolitionists, 

Making  such  a  yell, 
In  comes  Parson  Brownlow, 

And  sends  them  all  to  hell. 

Barnside  at  Knoxyille, 

In  a  kind  of  fix  ; 
Gilmore  at  Sumter, 

Pounding  at  the  bricks  ; 
Grant  at  Chattanooga 

Trying  Bragg  to  thrash : 
Is  it  any  wonder 

The  Union's  gone  to  smash  ? 


44  ABRAHAM 

"Bravo!  bravo!'*  encored  the  friends.  "Cheezey, 
my  boy,  you've  a  mellow  voice  and  a  fine  vein  of  hu- 
mor." 

"  You'd  say,  I  had  altogether  too  much  humor  if 
you  knew,  how  cheaply  I  let  that  countryman  there," 
pointing  to  Bram,  "  choitce  me  out  oi  the  nominationon 
last  election,"  returned  Cheeze,  secretly  flattered  at 
the  compliment,  but  chagrined  at  the  reflections  it 
suggested. 

At  these  words,  Soo  began  to  pick  his  teeth. 
Stentor  commenced  spitting  tobacco  juice  at  a  key 
hole. 

"  It  seems  to  me  as  though  that  man  had  the  Devil 
at  his  side,"  continued  Cheeze. 

Soo  here  arose  from  his  chair  and  advanced 
towards  Cheeze. 

"  Cheeze,"  said  the  Secretary,  "I  have  the  same 
belief  myself  and  I  have  more  than  one  reason  for 
it." 

Stentor  who  had  been  crossing  himself  with  pious 
vehemence  now  got  up  and  turning  to  Cheeze,  said : 

"And  I,  too,  have  heard  strange  stories  about 
Bram's  Friend." 

"  And  I,"  chimed  in  Cheeze.  "  Suppose  we  ex- 
change ideas  and  tell  each  other  what  we  know  about 
it." 

To  this  they  all  agreed,  and  resuming  their  old 
postures,  they  first  wet  their  whistles,  then  satisfied 
themselves  that  Bram  was  still  unconscious,  and  Soo, 
setting  the  example,  began  telling  what  he  knew  of 
Bram's  Mysterious  Friend  and  Patron. 


AFRICAN  US  I.  45 

Chapter     IX. 

DEVILISH  STRANGE. 

"I  have  heard  it  related  by  a  party  that  Mr.  Lin- 
coln has  seen  fit  to  incarcerate  in  Fort  Warren,  that 
on  a  certain  occasion  when  Bram  was  very  hard  up. 
and  had  to  sell  his  furniture  out  there  in  Illinois,  in 
order  to  keep  the  pot  boiling,  he  wandered  out  into 
the  prairie,  unconscious  of  where  he  was,  so  deeply 
was  he  engrossed  with  the  difficulties  that  beset  him 
on  all  sides.  He  hadn't  a  friend  in  the  world,  and 
didn't  know  what  to  turn  his  hands  to,  to  earn  a  liv- 
ing. Thus  moodily  engaged  he  came  near  to  a  spot 
where  my  informant  was  trapping  prairie  hens,  and 
then  he  sat  down  and  gave  vent  to  his  pent  up 
miseries  in  these  words  : 

"  Calkerlate  I  'd  better  bust  these  parts  and  emi- 
grate right  smart,  or  maybe  I'll  come  to  grief 
Mother's  cove  in  and  father's  looking  arter  other 
critters  ;  flat-boatin  is  too  all-fired  fatiguing,  rail- 
splitting  is  played  out,  'cause  Hanks  throwed  me,  and 
singing  nigger  songs  is  gone  to  smash.  I  could 
dance  right  smart  on  a  spring  board  ;  but  what's  the 
use  when  you  can't  get  nuthin'  for  it  but  a  shock  or 
two  o'  corn  and  a  pull  of  forty  rod.  I  'd  a  heap  sight 
rather  go  a  canallin'  if  I  could  git  aboard  one  of  them 
craft ;  but  even  them  is  no  go.  There  ain't  no  canals 
in  this  section  of  the  country.  'Taint  no  use  specula- 
tin'  on  father's  kickin'  the  bucket,  so  the  only  thing 
left  is  to  dig  a  hole  here  in  the  prairie,  and  just  expire 
right  off." 

So  saying,  he  proceeded  to  divest  himself  of  Jbis 


4.6  ABRAHAM 

clothing  and  boots.  The  latter  he  hung  up  on  an  old 
ridge  pole  that  stood  on  the  plain  and  affixed  a  pla- 
card to  them.  They  were  odd  specimens  of  foot  gear, 
being  nearly  eighteen  inches  long  and  proportionately 
wide  ;  the  legs  or  uppers  were  so  near  the  centre 
that  it  was  difficult  to  determine  which  the  wearer 
had  the  most  of,  heel  or  toe,  and  the  soles  were  en- 
tirely gone  from  long  wear.     The  placard  read  thus  : 

"  Theso  is  from  Abe  Hanks,  likewise  named  Abo 
Linkun,  to  tho  widder  Hennepin,  her  son,  likewise 
named  Abe.  The  eels  is  fled,  the  shanks  is  rather 
gone  up,  the  soul  is  gone  the  other  icay,  but  the  uppers 
is  good,  and  will  make  a  pare  of  boots  four  him  if 
ho 's  a  good  boy.  Fairwel !  my  biler  is  bust,  and  go 
I  must.  Abe  Hakks. 

And  now,  said  the  intended  suicide,  making  a  pil- 
low of  his  clothes,  and  lying  down  on  the  earth  in  a 
posture  of  determined  sleep,  "  I  don't  care  what  tho 
devil  becomes  of  me." 

He  had  no  sooner  said  the  word  Devil,  than  up 
jumps  a  man  as  it  were  from  the  very  earth  itself,  and 
advances  very  politely  towards  tho  recumbent  Abo. 
In  a  few  moments  they  became  very  intently  engaged 
in  conversation,  but  in  such  low  tones  that  my  in- 
formant could  not  catch  a  word. 

Curiosity  getting  the  better  of  judgment,  ho 
crept  cautiously  towards  them  until  he  heard  tho 
stranger  say : 

"  On  this  condition,  sign  tho  bond  and  you  shall 
no*  only  get  all  you  ask  but  I'll  make  you  a  member 
of  the  Legislature. 

"  What !"  cried  Abe,  "  Have  you  any  interest  with 
tho  Legislature*" 


AFKICANUS   I.  47 

"I  should  think  I  had,"  returned  the  other 
"I'm  personally  acquainted  with  every  man  of 
them,  and  besides  that,  keep  a  boarding  house  down 
helow  for  all  the  ex-members." 

"  Suppose  I  stir  up  this  all-fired  nigger  question, 
kinder  cussed  brisk,  what'll  you  do  in  that  case,  old 
boy?" 

"  Keep  you  in  for  two  terms." 

"  Could'nt  you  make  it  Washington  instead  of  Yan- 
dalia,"  insinuated  Abe. 

"What !"  cried  the  other.  "Are  you  so  ambitious 
as  all  that  ?  Why,  man,  you  have  n't  ability  enough 
to  keep  two  listeners  in  their  seats." 

"  Never  mind  that "  returned  Abe.  "  Just  you  help 
me  n.  little  when  I  falter.-  and  have  the  name  of 
"Honest"  well  stuck  to  me,  and  I'll  go  through  it 
easier  than  you  imagine." 

"Well  then,  agreed,"  said  the  other,  "an&ifjmy 
success  attends  the  plan,  and  any  certain  indications 
of  civil  war  appear,  I  will  be  willing  perhaps  to  enter 
into  a  new  contract  with  you.  You  know  war  contracts 
are  very  profitable." 

"What  do  you  mean?"  enquired  Abe,  evidently  not 
understanding  his  friend  correctly. 

"  I  mean  Til  give  you  the  first  contract  under  the  ivar* 

YOU  AGREE  TO  BEING  TO  DEATH  ONE  MILLION  OF   HUMAN 

beings  ;  and  I'll  agree  to  give  you  the  Presidency. 

'The  PKESIDENCY!'  exclaimed  Abe;  rising  from 
the  earth  in  his  agitation,  and  seeming  to  soar  with 
his  long  limbs,  as  high  as  the  ridge  pole  itself.  His 
emotion  was  so  extraordinary,  that  words  failed  to 
express  it.  The  stranger  pleased  at  this  exhibition, 
extended  his  hand.     Abe   grasped  it  heartily,   and 


48  ABRAHAM 

pulling  the  other  towards  him,  threw  himself  into  his 
arms.  They  were  the  tallest  pair  my  informant  ever 
saw,  and  bore  a  striking  resemblance  to  each  other — 
sufficient  to  be  brothers.  Fearful  of  discovery,  ho 
crept  away  at  this  juncture,  and  turning  round  at  the 
distance  of  a  couple  of  miles,  beheld  them  still  to- 
gether, standing  hand  in  hand  beside  the  ridge- 
pole." 


Chapter     X. 

THE  FIEND. 

The  last  words  of  Soo's  tale  died  away  into  a  sort 
of  hoarse  whisper,  and  were  heard  in  dead  silence ; 
as  the  supernatural  subject  of  it  fixed  itself  upon  the 
minc\s  of  himself  and  his  listeners. 

A  long  silence  followed  it. 

Soo  whittled  the  arm  of  his  chair,  Stentor  poked 
the  fire,  and  Cheeze  pulled  out  a  little  parchment 
scroll  from  his  vest  bosom  and  read  it  over  privately  ; 
glancing  at  the  others  now  and  then  to  see  if  they 
were  watching  him. 

"  All  right,"  he  murmured,  "  it  doesn't  interfere 
with  my  contract.     Every  man  for  himself,  say  I." 

At  this  moment  a  knock  was  heard  at  the  door. 

"  Come  in,"  said  Stentor. 

The  door  flew  open  and  a  servant  in  livery  disclosed 
himself. 

"  The  President  ?"  he  enquired  blandly. 

11  Not  here,"  returned  Soo  curtly. 

"  Excuse  mo,  my  Lud — I  mean  your  Excellency— -s 


A1TJCANUS  L  49 

but  if  I  'm  not  mistaken,  the  President  is  before  me." 

"  I  tell  3Tou  lie's  not  here,"  persisted  Soo. 

"  And  I  tell  you,  you  He !"  roared  the  flunkey, 
pushing  past  him  and  rousing  the  sleeping  Bram 
from  his  chair. 

Soo  became  livid  with  racre. 

He  ran  to  his  little  bell  and  hastily  put  his  name 
to  a  blank  order  of  arrest.  An  officer  aprjeared  at 
the  door. 

"Here!"  said  he,  "arrest  that  impudent  rascal 
directly,  and  convey  him  to  the  vilest  dungeon  in 
America." 

"Where?"  enquired  the  officer. 

"Park  Barracks,  New  York." 

The  officer  advanced  and  collared  his  prisoner. 

"  Come  along  with  me,"  said  he  roughly. 

But  Bram  was  now  fully  awake  and  seeing  the 
danger  his  Cockney  friend  was  in,  quickly  interposed 
his  superior  authority. 

"  Let  go  !"  he  commanded. 

The  officer  relinquished  his  hold. 

"  Famous  /"  said  Bram. 

The  provost  marshal  obsquatulated  the  ranche. 

"What's  all  this  about,  gentlemen;"  said  Bram 
furiously,  "  can't  a  friend  of  mine  ask  for  me  without 
running  in  danger  of  being  arrested?" 

"  The  Confederates  hung  their  heads  without  darin'g 
to  say  a  word.     Bram  glared  furiously  upon  them. 

"  How  long  haveT  been  to  sleep,"  he  demanded. 

"Nearly  three  hours,"  replied  Cheeze. 

"Have  I  been  blabbing  to  you — saying  anything  I 
ought  not  to  have  said — been  indiscreet  ?  Eh  ?" 

Rapid  glances  passed  between  the  three.      Bram 


50  ABRAHAM 

caught  one  of  these  tell  tales,  and  suspecting  all  was 
not  right,  changed  his  tone  instanter. 

"  Pardon  me,  Soo,  my  boy,  I  was  only  joking  with 
you.  Let 's  make  up.  I'll  give  you  permission  to 
lock  up  the  very  next  man  that  comes  along.*  Chce- 
zey  and  Stentor,  I'll  make  it  all  square  with  you 
when  I  come  back.  We'll  make  up  a  game  of 
poker,  and  })lay  one  Southern  jAaniatlcn  aide  up. 
How  do  you  like  that?  eh?" 

"  Capital!"  they  exclaimed. 

They  shook  hands  all  around,  and  looked  quite 
delighted;  and  in  the  midst  of  all  this  happiness, 
Bram  departed,  arm-in-arm  with  his  liveried  friend. 
As  the  door  closed  upon  him,  the  faces  of  the  Con- 
federates lengthened. 

"Who  is  that  flunkey?"  asked  Stentor,  "that 
Bram  should  feel  so  soft  about  him  and  be  so  thick 
with  him?" 

"  Is  it  possible  you  don't  know  ?"  replied  Cheeze. 

Stentor  shook  his  head. 

"  Nor  do  I,"  jerked  out  the  mortified  Soo,  "  or  I 
wouldn't  have  handled  the  fellow  so  roughly.  Pray 
enlighten  us." 

"  He  is   the   private   and   confidential   servant  of 

Doctor ,"  and  here  Cheeze  whispered  the  namo 

in  his  friends'  ears. 

Soo  looked  serious.     Stentor  didn't  comprehend  it. 

"  Who  is  doctor "  he  began,  bluntly. 

"  Hush  !"  said  Cheeze.  "  Don't  mention  the  namo 
for  worlds.  I'll  tell  you.  Did  you  never  hear  of  a 
certain  Chiropodist  in  New  York  who  possessed  great 

•This  very  next  man  happened  to  bo  Dr.  Ives  of  the  New   York   Herald,  after- 
wards of  Uio  Newt. 


AFBICANUS   I.  51 

mastery  over  Brain's  mind — who  could  manage  him 
any  way  lie  pleased — who  cut  his  corns — went  on  se- 
cret missions — was  commissioned  to  New  Orleans  to 
watch  Banks  and  afterwards  to  Norfolk  to  overlook 
Butler — who  possessed  great  influence  with  all  the 
rich  Jews  in  New  York  and  undertook  to  get  loans 
of  money  from  them — the  H-n-d-r-cks,  the  J-s-phs, 
who  used  to  represent  the  Rothschilds,  the  B-mh-m-rs, 
the  E-nst-n-rs,  and  the  N-th-ns? — who  got  up  the 
Russian  Ball,  and  who  danced  with  Mrs.  Bram,  at 
the  party  last  winter  ? — who  doctors  him,  and  writes 
his  speeches  ? — who  advises  him  and  directs  him  in 
questions  of  state  ?  who 

"  Hold !"  cried  Soo,  "  I  thought  I  was  the  man  who 
did  all  this !" 

"  The  devil  you  did !"  cried  Stentor,  "  I  thought  I 
was  the  man." 

"  You're  both  wrong,  gentlemen.  I  was  the  man 
till  the  doctor  stepped  in  and  took  the  wind  out  of 
my  sails,  for  which  I  was  not  sorry,  for  I  was  getting 
tired  of  him  at  that  time,  and  might  have  missed  the 
opportunity,  I  soon  after  had,  of  forming  an  alliance 
with  another  party." 

Soo  and  Stentor  bit  their  lips  till  the  blood  came, 
and  then  ran  from  the  room  howling,  [French  style.] 

Cheeze  smiled  complacently  and  sitting  down  to 
the  table,  penned  the  following  telegram  in  secret  cy- 
pher to  New  York : 

"Buy  Rock  Island  at  anything  under  140  for  a 
'corner."  Sell  2,000  Erie  'short'  and  bull  the  market 
on  gold.     Mum." 


52  abhaha:i 

Chapter    XI. 

A   YEAR   LATER. — THE   END. 

How  little  do  the  humble  know. 
What  miseries  greatness  is  heir  to, 
What  heart-aches,  jealousies  and  careo, 
Beset  their  anxious  hearts  with  fears, 
When  high  resolves  have  once  elated, 
What  pain  to  see  them  all  frustrated. 
What  hellish  passions  take  their  place, 
When  failure  brings  with  it  disgrace  ; 
How  stoop  their  minds  beneath  the  blow, 
To  everything  that's  mean  and  low, 
What  shifts  they  make,  what  agents  use, 
What'er  gives  hope  they  madly  choose. 
With  naught  to  risk,  they  spare  no  cost 
To  gain  position  they  have  lost ; 
Debased  themselves,  they  seek  to  find, 
A  kindred  baseness  in  mankind. 
And  feeling  self-condemned  the  while, 
Would  think  all  others  just  as  vile. 

'Twas  eve  of  one  eventful  day,  * 

As  story  tellers  always  say, 

The  President  had  far  surpassed 

His  greatest  effort  and  his  last  ; 

And  all  the  world  went  home  in  thought, 

On  all  the  wondrous  things  he  taught. 

The  day  had  passed — the  crowd  had  gono, 

And  all  that  had  been  said  or  done, 

Wero  records  of  the  silent  post 

Say,  will  his  fleeting  triumph  last? 

The  fierce  excitements  of  the  day, 

Had  chased  the  great  man's  griefs  away  ; 

But  now,  when  all  was  calm  again, 

Began  the  torments  of  his  brain, 

And  in  his  silent  chamber,  there 


•Tbc  eve  Of  the  1st  vZ  November,  1SGA. 


AFBICANUS  I.  53 

Awoke  the  vision  of  despair. 

No  longer  from  his  fishy  eye, 

Shot  cunning  and  shone  energy  ; 

But  lone  and  silent,  and  subdued, 

He  yielded  to  his  sullen  mood. 

Long  time  ho  sat,  convulsed  and  wrought, 

Till  words  gave  utterance  to  his  thought. 

"  Oh !  what  a  wretched  thing  am  I, 
The  veriest  fool  of  destiny  ; 
How  meanly  have  I  sunk  below 
The  dignity  of  honest  woe. 
How  have  I  lost  that  high  estate 
I  might  have  held  among  the  great, 
And  sunk  beneath  my  own  approval, 
Condemned  myself  to  cringe  and  grovel ; 
I  grasped  at  power  ;  fool,  fool  I  the  thought 
Now  mocks  the  ruin  it  has  wrought. — 
Time  was  when  even  foes  respected, 
But  now  how  fallen  and  neglected  ; 
The  stake  was  powek  for  which  I  cast, 
'Twas  but  its  shadow,  and  it  passed  ; 
My  friends  betrayed — I  fondly  bowed, 
To  woo  the  passions  of  the  crowd  ; 
But  failing  there,  I  sought  again 
My  former  standing  to  regain. 
All  will  not  answer,  on  my  sight 
The  future  rises  to  affright, 
And  in  that  future  will  I  mark 
A  path  as  devious  and  as  dark  I" 


Aie — BriUianie  Posterioso. 

The  Devil  took  sick, 

The  Devil  a  saint  would  be  ; 

The  Devil  got  well, 

The  devil  a  saint  was  he ! 

"Ha!"  cried  listening  Bram,  "'tistfcoU,' 
"Well  hast  thou  timed  to  tempt  me  nowl* 


54  ABKAHAM 

And  sure  enough,  polite  and  civil, 

There  stood  our  laughing,  friendly  Devil, 

Who  with  his  usual  courtly  grace, 

.Smiled  sweetly  in  the  great  man's  face, 

And  with  his  cloven  foot  before  him, 

Bowed  very  low  in  all  decorum. 

"  Nay,  there  you  wrong  yourself  ! — not  swerve  you  ; 

But  doing  all  I  caii  to  serve  you. " 

So  sweet  he  smiled,  and  bowed  so  low, 

The  great  man  thanked  ;  wLat  could  he  do  ? 

"  Thanks !  thanks  ! "  great  Bram  replied, 
For  Satan  had  aroused  his  pride, 
And  in  the  presence  of  the  devil, 
Jle  wish'd  t'  appear  at  least  as  civiL 
"If  I  li^d  doubted,  let  it  pass, 
Henceforth  2'U  be  no  whimpering  ass, 
But,  faithful  to  nTJself  and  you, 
Be  firm  in  what  I  ttttj*  **d  do  *" 

"Bravo!"  cried  Satan,  " 'tis  vreU  said, 
And  worthy  of  your  heart  and  head  ', 
But  tell  me — if  I  don't  offend 
Why  can  you  ever  doubt  me,  friend  ?" 

u  Why  thus  it  is  :  I  see  too  clearly 
Why  friends  are  falling  from  me  daily. 
The  more  I  strive,  the  more  they  fail  me, 
While  foes  on  every  side  assail  me." 

"Nonsense,"  quoth  the  fiend,    "  where's  yottf  pride? 
Great  men  bike  you,  ar'  n't  cast  aside  ; 
With  little  power  to  do  you  evil, 
They'll  court  you  yet,  or  I  'm  no  DeviL" 

•'Have  I  not  striven  night  and  day, 

To  lead  opinion  my  own  way, 

And  used  the  powers  of  wealth  and  station 

To  gain  tho  good  will  of  tho  nation — 

And  to  what  end  ?  except  to  grievo  mo  : 

Tho  very  knaves  I  fed,  duccivod  me." 


AFPJCANUS  L  55 

**  Patience!"  cried  Satan,    "  patience,  kind  Sir, 

Yeiar  very  hurry  makes  you  blind,  Sir. 

Where's  your  Niggek  Pkoclamation, 

Tib  at  bitter  bolus  for  the  nation, 

Arid  your  Confiscation  Bill? 

Think  you  that  inflicts  no  mischief  still  ? 

Think  yon  that  each  demagogue  forgets 

That  novel  way  to  pay  war  debts  ? 

When  gazing  on  your  empty  coffers, 

He  sees  the  prospects  which  it  offers. 

Think  you  he  sees  not  hereabout, 

A  very  fine  way  to  get  out, 

And  chuckles  as  he  fondly  eyes, 

^Repudiation  in  disguise  ?" 

■*  Zounds ! "  quoth  the  great  man  with  a  start, 
'*I  tell  thee,  Devil  though  thou  art, 
This  bantering  tone  's  all  very  fine, 
But  one  thing  at  least 's  no  plan  of  mine. 
I'm  speaking  of  the  Greenback — Pshaw! 
I  mean  the  repeal  of  the  Homestead  law." 

**  All  mighty  well,"  quoth  Satan,  grinning, 
How  very  coy  you  are,  while  sinning  ; 
But  I,  who  know  your  modest  way, 
Will  not  object  to  what  you  say, 
And  all  the  less,  most  faultless  brother, 
Since  all  the  world  now  blames  another.f 

But  ne'er  the  less  it  works  my  ends 
And  cannot  make  us  else  than  Mends. * 

Eram,  who  though  at  first  astonished, 
Smiled  as  Satan  thus  admonished  ; 
Smiled  as  he  saw  his  views  displayed, 
In  what  the  Devil  shrewdly  said — 
Smiled  as  he  saw  himsell  unmasked, 
And  thus  of  Satan,  smiling,  asked : — 


f  -k  ,*low  WVcl,  In  February  1804,  la  a  letter  to  Ex-Gov.  Morp.in  or  Kfw  TorTf, 
,f*'jjLv-  i»«  i>o-ie:»  u  repeal  the  Homestead  Law,  and  sell  tho  public  l<*n^s  to  loreigutJfS 
,i*|t&y  vb*»  war  debt. 


56  ABRAHAM 

"Who  serves  the  Devil, 
Devil  take  lrim  ; 

But  will  the  Devil 
E'er  forsake  him  ? 


"No,"  cried  the  Old  One  of  a  sudden, 
11  This  jest  of  yours  is  not  a  bad  'un, 
You  would  by  joke  assume  superior, 
Whereas,  in  fact,  you  are  inferior. 
And  being  servant,  aye,  don't  stir,  Sir  I 
You  must  obey  ;  a  slave  you  are  Sir. 
A  slave  you  are,  and  though  much  bigger, 
As  much  a  skive  as  any  nigger. 
A  slave  you  are,  because  you'll  cheat, 
And  therefore,  you  are  mine  complete. 
A  slave  you  are,  and  now  believe  me, 
You  cannot,  if  you  would,  deceive  me ; 
In  all  that  does  relate  to  sin, 
J  give  the  power,  you  but  take  in." 

"Nay,  nay,  Your  Darkness,  pause  awhile, 
My  joke  was  made  to  raise  a  smile  ; 
But  since  it  was  misunderstood, 
I'll  recommence  in  sober  mood." 


*'Tis  useless,"  quoth  the  Devil,  bowing, 

I  feel  'tis  time  I  should  be  going  ; 

Givo  me  thy  hand  ;  for,  Bram,  thou  art 

In  thought  and  art  my  counterpart  ; 

So  like;   that  if  (could  such  things  be,) 

You  had  been  kicked  from  heaven  with  mo, 

We  snacks  had  gone— yi  s.  who  can  tell 

And  kept  a  hotel  down  in  hell. 

I  sco  you  like  the  joke— you  laugh, 

But  time  is  up.     I  must  bo  off, 

Yet  e'er  a  friendly  leave  I  tako, 

I've  fancy  for  a  hearty  shake." 


AFBICANUS  I.  67 

The  great  Bram  seized  tlie  proffered  hand, 
23uk — had  he  grasped  a  lighted  brand, 
"His  quivering  nerves  and  changing  look 
Ilad  not  such  sudden  torture  spoke. 
He  strove  to  free  his  hold — but  no, 
Tliat  scorching  grasp  would  not  let  go. 

Tims,  on  the  very  day  before  election, 
The  Devil  claimed  his  great  connection  ; 
Aiarl  hurling  Bram  to  black  damnation, 
Ak  last  relieved  the  Yankee  Nation. 


THE   END. 


THE 

WASHINGTON  DESPOTISM 

DISSECTED, 


IN    ARTICLES    FROM    T1IE 


METROPOLITAN  RECORD. 


CONTENTS. 

The    United  States  Converted  into  a   Military  Despotism Can  a 

Disunion    Administration   Restore  the    Union  ? A  Great    .Statesman 

Speaking  to  the  People Grounds  of  Impeachment  of  the  President 

The    Effects    of     Abolitionism What    is    a  Loyal    Leaguer  ? 

Grand    Patriotic    Demonstration Some     Plain    Talk "  Nobody's 

llnrt  " Peace  ! Model    Resolutions    for    the  Loyal   Leaguers 

What  the  War  is  carried  on  for A  New  Joke— Is  it  tbe  President's 

The    Abolition     Policy    of     tbe    Administration,    and    what  it    has 

Accomplished The  Statesman    of    the   Revolution    on  tbe  Right  of 

Coercion The  Sovereignty  of  tbe  States Tbe  Northern  Plagnc 

The   Letter  of  Governor  Seymour A  Poland  in  the  United  States 

The  Future Which  is  the  most  Humiliating — Peace  or  War  ? The 

Conscription The  Administration  Telegraph  ;   or  How  it  is  Done. 

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